


Of Monsters and Men

by star_moongi



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Decisions, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Gay Male Character, Heartbreak, Loss, Love, M/M, Slice of Life, Unrequited Love, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-11 10:20:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8975617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/star_moongi/pseuds/star_moongi
Summary: Ever since the day dark, mysterious, and endearing Otabek Altin told Yuri Plisetsky that he had the eyes of a soldier, Yuri hasn't been able to stop thinking about him, the boy who saw him as something other than a beautiful, delicate fairy. Now three years later, Otabek has moved to Russia to live with Mila, his new fiancee and Yuri's skating accomplice, and train under their coach Yakov. Yuri knows that his skating career is more important, but he can't seem to ignore the tightness in his chest when he sees Otabek and Mila kiss or the tug at his heart when Otabek smiles sweetly at him. He knows that he isn't in love, so why does he feel this way? Yuri decides to bury his foreign emotions as he always does and focus on what makes him happy, but as they grow closer, he cannot ignore the pain in his heart; and neither can Otabek. This is a story about the tough choices of love and the sacrifices you have to make to be happy. The story about two boys who don't know their fate, because their futures are standing in the way. This is a story about love and life.





	1. Eyes

I twirl a piece of my blonde hair carefully around my finger. It's been a while since I got a trim, I'd started growing it out when I was fifteen, but now it's just getting in the way when I skate and it kind of makes me look like a girl. I push it back out my eyes and cock my head at myself in the mirror. My pale reflection bores back at me, my green eyes stay dull and unblinking.

"Yuri Plisetsky had the unforgettable eyes of a soldier." His voice echoes in my head once again.

I sigh and drop my hand, the hair falling back swiftly. That day is always on my mind. I look down at my hand, still faintly remembering his firm grip. Otabek. He'd asked me to become friends with him that day in Barcelona before the Grand Prix Finals, saying that he thought we were alike. I wanted to deny it, but the look in his eyes made me believe that he was so sure about what he was saying. It gave me a sense of hope, that maybe I wasn't so different from everyone else. We stayed in touch a little after the finals, but after a few weeks we just stopped talking all together. Yet, I still cannot stop thinking about what he said to me, how we cheered each other on, and the connection that I felt with him.

I was fifteen though, and really dumb, maybe I was overthinking everything. He'd only asked to become friends, that isn't really anything special; but, that had never happened to me before. I was always alone, kept to myself and only focused on my skating. I'd look at my competitors as enemies, except for Viktor who I strived to be one day, and Yuuri Katsuki who I respected. But everyone else, I hated them all. If I lost to them, it felt like I was being stripped of who I was and what made me happy. So when he'd asked to become my friend that day, I was scared and caught off guard, but I knew his intentions were good. He looked at me like no other person had seen me, he saw me as a soldier instead of a fairy, he gave me a confidence I didn't even know I had.

He was my first friend. Even here in Russia I never had friends, still don't to this day. They're just a distraction to me, and I've been skating since I was a young boy, all of my time is invested into mastering my routines. I never had the chance to make a connection with anyone, and then Otabek came along and pretty much forced me to make one with him.

I feel a smile tug at the edge of my lips. I wonder what he's up to now.

My cat Piroshki strides quietly into the washroom then and nuzzles my ankle. I pick him up and head downstairs, making sure to grab my jacket and sports bag before I do. My grandfather, Nikolai, is in the kitchen flipping pancakes and singing a song that I don't know. I've been living with him for a while now, I don't know who my father is and my mother is barely ever in the country. He's really my only family.

I sit down at the table and run my fingers through Piroshki's soft fur. "Hey grandpa, I'm gonna be heading out soon, can you save breakfast for me?" I ask him.

"Whaaaattt? Are you serious? But I wanted to sit down and eat with my Yuratchka today!" He pouts.

I smile and shake my head. "Sorry grandpa, but I need to practice. The new skating season is coming up soon, I can't waste my time lazing around."

"Hey," He walks over with a plate stacked high with pancakes. "Eating with your dedushka is not a waste of time young man."

I stand up, placing Piroshki carefully onto the floor. "I'm sorry, maybe tomorrow? Feed Piroshki for me when I'm gone too OK?" I feel him watching me as I slip on my jacket, I glance back at him. "What?"

He shrugs. "Oh nothing, it's just that everyday you're looking more and more like your mother."

I sneer, tugging at my long hair. "Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

He sighs. "Are you still angry at her for missing your birthday this year? It wasn't her fault you know, she's a very busy woman." He cuts a piece of the pancake and gives it to Piroshki. I watch him quietly as he chews then nudges his leg for more. "What a greedy cat." He mutters.

I pick up my bag, slinging it around my shoulder. "It doesn't matter if she was busy, I'm her only child, she could have at least remembered my eighteenth birthday. I'm not saying she had to come all the way here and give me a cake or something, but a call would have been nice." Even though she did forget, I'm not angry at my mom for that right now. It's her fault people are always telling me I look like a beautiful woman. I don't want to look like that, I want to look like a strong ice tiger; like a soldier.

My grandpa chuckles. "I guess you're right, that was pretty unfair of her."

I sigh. "I'm gonna get going."

"Oi, greedy cat! Get off of the table!" I hear him shout as I walk out of the door. It's cold out today, and pretty dreary too. I wonder if anyone will be at the rink when I get there, hopefully not, I feel like skating alone today, just want to clear my head.

Snow falls softly from the light grey clouds as I walk. I pull my phone out of my pocket, there's two new messages from Viktor. One is a picture of him, Yuuri, and his poodle smiling together, the other is a message asking: "Aren't we cute?"

I roll my eyes, if he sends me another stupid family photo again I'm going to flip my shit.

"I'm going to delete your number." I text back, then shove my phone back into my jacket. I reach the rink a few moments later, there's a car in the parking lot, I think it might be Mila's. Great, she's the last person I wanted to see today. I pull my hood up over my head, slinging my bag further up onto my shoulder as I push through the front doors.

I stop at one of the vending machines to get some chocolate milk, when I hear laughter come from the rink. Is there someone else in there with her? I open the bottle as I near closer, tipping some into my mouth. I see Mila skating on the ice slowly practising figures, there's another person watching closely near by. I choke on my drink when I realize who it is.

"O-Otabek?" I cough.

He turns around, dark eyes widening in surprise at me. "Yuri, hey."

Mila waves frantically. "Oh! Hey Yuratchka!" She grins.

I stand in the entrance and stare at them blankly.

She skates towards me. "Hellooooo, Earth to Yuri, are you deaf or something?"

I snap myself out of my daze quickly. "Uh, s-sorry, I just got distracted for a second." I peek at Otabek, he's skating over as well. His hair grew a bit longer and it's tied back into a small pony tail. He's wearing a sweatshirt that has the words "Russia" scrawled across the front and baggy sweatpants. Mila follows my gaze. "Oh! Did you notice the sweatshirt I bought for him at the airport?" She hugs him tightly when he comes off of the ice. "He looks cute right?"

A lump surfaces in my throat. "Wait, I'm confused, why is he here?" We make eye contact for a split second, he has a wary look in his eyes. I look away quickly.

Mila scratches the back of her neck awkwardly. "Oh yeah, come to think of it, I haven't really told anyone about this have I? I was planning to telling Yakov today after I showed Beka the rink, but I haven't gotten to it yet."

"Tell Yakov what?" I press, cringing at her nickname for him. Why do I feel so desperate to know? Why do I even care?

"Um," Otabek moves in then, putting his arm carefully around her waist. "I actually moved in with Mila a couple of days ago. I was planning on training here for a bit too."

I stare at him. "Wait, so, you guys are-"

Mila nods eagerly. "Together? A huh, we hooked up after the finals; I thought I told you about this, I guess not. But anyway," She flashes me her hand then, there's a diamond ring twisted around her finger. "We dated for like a year, and then he proposed. We're getting married!" She squeals happily.

The chocolate milk slips suddenly out of my hand and hits the floor with a thud. "Oh shit," I mutter as I bend down to clean it up.

"Hey! Be careful, you know Yakov is crazy about his carpets!"

I take my hood off. "Yeah, I know, um, I-I think I have some tissues, in my bag-"

Otabek's hand touches a piece of my hair softly. "Wow, your hair is so long now Yuri, it looks really nice." He smiles. I look at him in surprise, feeling my face turning hot. "Uh, oh yeah, I-I'm growing it out actually."

"Doesn't he look like a beautiful fairy?" Mila cooes.

I sneer at her.

"Actually, I think he looks more like knight."

I snap my head towards him, he's giving me a soft, reassuring gaze. I try not to smile.

"OK whatever, I'm gonna go back out on the ice, Yuri clean that mess up already." Mila skates off.

I rummage through my bag for the tissues, then bend down to dab the milk up slowly.

"So, you're eighteen now right?" I hear him ask but I'm barely paying attention. I can still feel his fingers on my hair.

"Yeah." I stand up, throwing them in the trash behind me.

"I've seen you in a few competitions after the finals, you've gotten a lot better, I didn't even know that was possible." He laughs.

I watch him quietly. He looks back at me with a small smile. "Sorry for not staying in touch by the way, that wasn't OK of me. But things got really hectic after the GPF, my grandmother passed away, and then there's Mila..." He glances over at her with a lusting look in his eyes. My heart skips a beat in my chest, I look down at the floor.

"It doesn't matter, don't worry about it." I manage to say as I sit down on the bench, removing my sneakers slowly. We both had a life to go back to after the GPF, there's nothing we could do about it.

"It doesn't matter? Wow, that's kinda hurtful, I thought we were pretty close back then." He chuckles softly.

I glance up at him. "Yeah, I guess we were, but that was three years ago. Stuff happened, and there are more important things we should be focusing on now."

His watches me for a long time, then drops his head. "Heh, yeah, I guess you're right."

A sickening feeling wrenches itself into my stomach at his words. "You're right, I am."

It falls silent between us, a deep, irritating silence.

"Beka! Come skate with me before we leave!" Mila calls to him suddenly.

He nods at me before striding onto the ice, I ignore him and push down the lump that's not leaving my throat. It's funny how someone that I once considered to be a good friend, is now a complete stranger. I wonder what he thinks of me now. Did he look into my eyes and see a soldier still? Or did he see the weak and pathetic person that I've been all along? He says that he sees a knight now, I'm really not sure if that's better or worse.

I tighten my skates and stand up. It's obvious that I'll never know, and I doubt he even cares. So why, why can't I stop thinking about it? Why do I give a shit? My eyes fall on them smiling and skating together, a look is in his eyes that I'll never understand. It makes me angry and annoyed. Who even is he anymore? He's definitely not the same guy that I came to know back in Barcelona. He's changed so much, while I've been stuck here going nowhere.

Mila glances at me. "Hey, are you gonna come on the ice or not?" She shouts.

"I'm coming!" I call back. I step out onto the rink and skate over swiftly. Otabek is watching me, and there's now another look in his eyes. It's there for a split second, but I could see it.

It was nostalgia.


	2. Words

"Whoo, I'm beat!" Mila pants as she collapses onto the bench, tying her hair up on top of her head."Jesus Yuri, you didn't have to challenge me to ten speed races across the rink you know." 

I shrug and untie my skates. "You're just mad that you lost." 

She chuckles. "I allowed you to win!" 

"OK, whatever helps you sleep at night." I smile. 

"Hey Beka, you ready to head out? I have to run some errands before we go home." She takes a quick swig of water. 

I wipe beads of sweat from my forehead and glance at Otabek. He's looking down at his skates, almost like he's not sure why they're on his feet. "Yeah, I'm fine with that." He replies. 

Mila stands up and stretches. "Alright, I'm just gonna use the washroom before we head out." 

When she leaves it falls silent again, I slip my skates off, wiping the ice from the blades. 

"This town is really beautiful." He speaks up suddenly. 

I look at him. "Uh, yeah it is." 

He gives a strained smile and then looks away. 

"Is there something wrong? You've been kind of out of it for a while." I ask slowly, not really sure if I want to tread into these waters. 

Otabek closes his eyes and tips his head back. "Yeah, I'm fine. I don't want to say anything that's going to bother you." 

I study him for a while, he looks stressed. "You're not sure if you made the right decision right?" 

He looks at me surprised. "What?"

"You know," I nod, "moving here and being with Mila, I know how much you love Kazakhstan, being away from it is going to change you. But I see the way you look at her, you've made the right choice, and you're still skating for your country, but at the same time, you're also with the woman that you love. What more do you want?" 

He laughs and runs a hand through his hair. "I guess you're right Yuri, what more do I want?" 

"I don't know, I mean, I've never been in love with someone, I've never had the chance to pursue my dreams all while actually having a future somewhere out of the rink. I envy you for that." I sigh, shoving my skates into my bag and zipping it closed. 

"Well, you're only eighteen, you have a long time to find what you want." 

I stop moving and drop my head, a sudden pain interrupting my heart beat. "I've been searching for what I've wanted ever since I was five years old and somehow I still haven't found it. I doubt it will come to me anytime soon, mainly because I don't even know what it is. Sometimes, I feel like I'm fighting for nothing you know?" 

"Hey," I feel him move closer to me, his body heat radiating against mine. I look up startled and meet his intense gaze, his eyes seem to be looking right through me, making me feel exposed. "Since day one you've been fighting for what makes you happy, and that is this sport, your family, and the people that surround you."

I clench my teeth, what the hell does he know? I don't have a father, I barely see my mother, and I barely make time to be with my grandpa anymore. I-I feel so alone even when I have the few things in my life to support me."What family? What people that surround me Otabek?" 

"Back in Barcelona, you always told me how much you looked up to Viktor and Yuuri, and how much you admired your grandfather, that you wanted to make them happy even if they were a pain in the ass sometimes. What changed? Those people are what make you happy, your skating is what motivates you to get better. What more do you need other than that?" He presses. 

I step closer to him, he doesn't get it does he? "What is the use in fighting everyday if it isn't for yourself? Once all of those people are happy; where does that leave me? I-I thought you of all people understood that man, y-you came in and forced me to become friends with you, making me possibly the happiest person alive, making me feel that for once I didn't have to fight for someone, because someone was fighting for me! And then you-" I stop the words quickly. What the hell am I doing? This is the first time I've seen him in over three years, why am I exposing my feelings like this so suddenly. He doesn't care about me, my problems are not important to him. I was just some stupid fifteen year old kid who he thought was desperate for a friend, he's going to have a family soon, I'm going to be the last thing on his fucking mind, none of this even matters!

I turn away quickly. "J-Just forget it Otabek." 

"How can I huh?" His voice sounds desperate, making my body go numb. "Even now you haven't realised that you fought for me and saved me too Yuri." 

I look back at him slowly, he's trembling and his eyes look so empty. My hand moves on its own, why am I reaching for him-

"OK I'm done!" Mila suddenly comes back into the room. I snap my hand back and Otabek backs up awkwardly, turning quickly to face her. She gives him a quick kiss and then grabs her purse. "We'll see you next Wednesday Yuuri, that's when training starts." She smiles. 

I can barely even concentrate on what she's saying, all I can see is him, his back turned purposely away from, trying to hide whatever emotions that were going to break through just a moment ago. 

"A-Alright, see you around." I force the words out of my mouth. 

He doesn't even turn around to say good bye.


	3. People

My mind is black and fuzzy as I walk back home. The snow is falling heavier and the thick flakes are sticking to my hair, I want to pull up my hood and hide from the world, but I have no will to even try.

"How can I? Even now you haven't realized you fought for me and saved me too Yuri." 

I groan, what the hell does that even mean? I fought for him? Did I really make that big of an impact back then like he did on me? I thought I'd just been going with the flow, but maybe I did something better than I thought. Come to think of it, he always told me that he thought we were alike. Maybe he was just as alone as I was. I let out an exasperated breath. Well, unlike me, he's not alone anymore, he has someone to live for. But by the look in his eyes when he told me that he couldn't forget about what I'd apparently done for him, I honestly don't think Mila is enough to make him happy. But what is enough to make someone like him happy? I saw the way he looks at her, like he feels grateful, but when he looks at me; there's something else. Almost like a longing or desperation, like he's trying to reach out to me but he can't. 

I look down at my hand, I guess him and I are alike; because that's exactly what I was trying to do too. 

"Stop." I whisper. What I'm thinking right now isn't right, I don't deserve to acknowledge that Otabek may think so highly of me because he doesn't, he never will. I may be special to him in some way, but not in the way that Mila is to him. He's in love with her. He wants to marry her. He wants to start a family with her. They want to spend the rest of their lives together. 

I feel my body start to quiver as a sudden emptiness overcomes me. W-Why does that thought make me feel so hollow inside?

"Hey? Hey wait up! I think you dropped something!" A voice calls frantically behind me suddenly. 

I stop abruptly and turn around. It's a girl, she has silver hair and her eyes are a striking blue. I frown at her, she looks really familiar. She comes closer to me and shoves my ear buds in my face. "You dropped these." She says firmly. 

I blink. "Uh, yeah, thanks." I take them from her slowly and slide them into my pocket. 

We stand awkwardly for a while before I turn away, but she grabs my arm. "Um, wait, sorry, I'm um, I'm really lost. I haven't been to Moscow since I was young, and I'm trying to find my cousin's house but I can't seem to find the right address. I've tried asking other people but they just giving me really mean looks." She laughs timidly. 

"Oh," I scratch my neck nervously. I'm not really used to having a conversation with someone other than my rink mates, Viktor and Yuuri, and my grandpa (and occassionally Piroshki, don't judge me). "What's the address?" 

She frantically rummages through her blue jacket for a piece of paper, squinting down at it as she reads. I just noticed now that she has a lot of luggage with her, wonder where she's coming from. "Um, it's 241 Povarskaya Street, do you by any chance know where that is?" 

I feel my eye twitch. You must be fucking kidding me. "Uh yeah, I actually do...Viktor Nikiforov lives there right?" 

Her eyes widen. "Yeah, yeah, that's who I'm looking for! He's my cousin!" She says excitedly. 

"Oh god," I sigh, I should have known, they're literally a spitting image of each other. 

She frowns. "What? Did something happen to my Vicky, is he dead? Oh my god, Vicky is dead! What the hell am I gonna do, holy shit, I think I'm dying too! WHAT AM I GONNA DO OH MY GOD!" She screams. 

"Hey, hey, chillax alright, no one is dead!" I laugh anxiously. This girl is insane!

She pants and clutches her chest. "Then what's wrong with him?" 

"Nothing is wrong with him don't worry, it's just, him and I have a very interesting relationship, that's all. But I can show you were he lives, it's actually not too far from here." 

"Whoo, OK," She sighs in relief, "that's awesome, thank you so much girl!"

I grind my teeth together, seriously? "Um, I'm actually a guy. My name is Yuri." 

Her mouth drops open in surprise. "What? Are you serious? Oh my god, but your hair is so long and nice, what shampoo do you use?" She tries to touch my hair but I swat her hand away. "Ha, sorry, you're just so beautiful I couldn't believe you were a guy! And damn, your skin is amazing! Do you moisturize daily? Exfoliate?" 

"Please stop asking so many questions." 

She smiles. "Sorry, I'll calm down." 

"Alright, great. Do you need me to carry any of your luggage?" I ask as we start walking again. 

"Uh, no, I'm fine actually, it may not look like it, but there are actually guns in these arms." She flexes one of them and gives me a quick wink.

I burst out laughing. "OK, whatever you say."

"Um, I'm Anja by the way." 

I nod, not really feeling like starting another conversation. 

She clears her throat. "Viktor's amazing at skating right? I was hoping that while I stayed here, he could teach me some of his many tricks. I'm curious by the way, how do you know him?" 

"We both train under the same coach actually," I glance at her, "and you're an ice skater too?" 

She nods eagerly. "Yeah, hard to believe right?" 

I shake my head. "No, not really. I'm actually one too." 

She gasps. "Wait! Oh my God, I knew I recognized you from somewhere! YOU'RE YURI PLISETSKY RIGHT? THE 15 YEAR OLD WHO WON THE GRAND PRIX FINALS A FEW YEARS AGO!" She exclaims excitedly.

"Yeah, that's me." I give an awkward smile. 

She puts a hand on her forehead. "Whoo, I think I'm gonna faint, I can't believe this is happening to me, I'm walking beside a celebrity!" 

"Please don't faint." 

"Sorry, I won't." She sighs. "So how does it feel? You know, to be a Russian celebrity?" 

I shrug. "Doesn't really feel like anything, I'm used to it by now."

We cross a busy street and walk towards an area with tall, steel apartment buildings.

"Holy crap, Vicky lives in one of these!?" She squeals. 

I nod as we get closer, entering through the front doors. We take an elevator to the fourth story and I lead her to his flat. 

"Alright, I'm gonna head out before he finds out I'm here-" 

"VICKY, VICKY, I'M HERE, IT'S ME ANJA OPEN UP AND I BROUGHT YURI PLISETSKY WITH ME!" She pounds loudly on the door.

"Oh for the love of God," I mutter as Viktor swings the door open quickly.

"ANNIIIEEE!" He shouts happily, encasing her in his arms. He's been growing his hair out again, mainly because Yuuri is doing it too. I self consciously tug at a strand of my hair; maybe that's why I haven't cut it yet. 

His blue eyes fall on me and I freeze up. "Yuri? OMG what brings you here my son?" 

I glare at him. "I'm not your son, stop calling me that." 

Anja smiles at me. "Yuri actually helped me get here, he's a real gentleman." 

Viktor slings his arm around my shoulder and rubs his cheek with mine. "I raised him right didn't I?" He says proudly as he tries to pull me into one of his stupid hugs. 

"Get off of me," I groan, his breath smells like booze.

"Hey don't be like that my grumpy baby-" 

"Viktor who's at the door?" I hear Yuuri call. He appears suddenly in the doorway, shirtless and holding a beer in his hand. 

"Tch, are you guys really drinking right now?" I snap. 

Viktor stumbles backwards. "Hey, it's Monday, how else are we gonna get through it?" He slurs. 

I pinch the bridge of my nose. These two give me such a bad headache. 

Anja barges in and hugs Yuuri tightly. "Hey Yura! Do you have any drinks for me?" 

Yuuri blinks at her. "Um, who are you again?" 

Viktor plants a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "That's my cousin, I thought I told you she was coming today." 

He blushes. "Ah, no you didn't actually, but I guess it's not that big of a deal. You can stay in the guest room, I'll show you where it is." He takes one of her bags and leads her away, she follows giddily. 

"Hey Yuri, quit standing in the doorway and come inside, we haven't seen each other in forever." Viktor says, he then picks up Makkachin and attacks him with multiple kisses. "Who's a good widdle dog? You are, yes you are!" 

I try not to grimace at how gross it is and instead shove my hands into my pocket, letting out a long sigh. "I was actually just heading out so-"

"I heard Otabek's in town, did you know about this?" He says suddenly. 

My body freezes at his words. "Yeah, I did." 

He looks at me. "You've talked recently?" 

I give him an annoyed look. "Why the fuck does it matter?" 

"It doesn't," He sets Makkachin softly onto the floor, "I just know you guys used to be close, so I was only wondering." 

"That was three years ago, shit changed." I mutter. Why am I getting so defensive?

Viktor plops down onto the couch and stretches out his arms. "Not everything changes, I mean, I thought you stopped being a grumpy teenager, but it turns out that wasn't true." He sighs. 

"Bite me." 

He tilts his head and gives me an annoying smile, narrowing his eyes at me. "I heard he and Mila are engaged now? She texted me a while ago, I was kinda surprised actually." 

I clench my fists in my pockets. Why the hell is he bringing this up? Is he trying to piss me off? "Yeah, so what?" 

He chuckles. "Oh nothing, I'm just surprised." 

I snap. "Don't give me that-" 

Anja barges suddenly back into the room, chugging down a bottle of beer. "WHOOOO! LET'S HAVE A DRINKING PARTY, I'M JET LAGGED AND I WANNA HAVE SOME FUUNNN!" She shouts. 

I give Yuuri a flat look as he comes in behind her. "You actually gave her alcohol?" 

He shrugs and tips back some more beer into his mouth. 

"Damn, isn't my husband hot when he drinks?" Viktor cooes as he stares admiringly at him. 

Yuuri gives him a seductive smile. "I can get even hotter if you want me too." 

I slap my hands over my ears quickly and turn away. "UGH, oh my god, you guys are so fucking gross, I need to get out of here." 

"Hey, waaaiiiittt, you're leaving already?" Anja follows me out into the hallway. "Thank you for getting me here by the way! I really appreciate your help!" She calls. 

I give her a quick wave before ushering to the elevator. I release a huge sigh of relief when the doors close. Sometimes I wonder why I even associate myself with those two; especially Viktor. He's so irritating sometimes-and who the hell does he think he is to bring up Otabek like that? He has nothing to do with anything! Yeah we were close three years ago and Viktor really rooted for our friendship, but it's not like that anymore. I'm over it, so he should be too.

My phone dings as I reach the bottom floor. I pull it out; it's a message from Viktor. 

"Great," I mutter as I open it up. I wonder what annoying shit he has to say now. As I read the message, my heart drops. What the fuck is this?

 

"You were in love with him weren't you?"


	4. Problems

"Yuratchka."

"Yuratcka wake up."

"YURATCHKA!"

I pillow slaps my back back and I jolt up from my bed. "Jesus Christ, what the hell grandpa?" I murmur tiredly.

"Training starts today, you need to have a good breakfast with your grandfather, now wake up." He snaps at me. "Geez, I'm an old man with limited time on my hands, I shouldn't be wasting it waking up a lazy teenager." He grumbles to himself as he leaves the room.

I groan as I turn onto my back to face the ceiling, staring up blankly at it for a while. Damn, it's Wednesday already? Where did the time go? It was just Monday...

"You were in love with him right?"

Viktor's text comes back to me like a rock in the head. I was so pissed off when he sent that I was almost tempted to go back up into his apartment and beat his ass. But I was too exhausted so I went home instead.

Me? In love with Otabek? Is he insane? Him and I were friends when I was fifteen, I didn't even acknowledge the existence of love then. I was never in love with him, I was just grateful for him. That's why it sucks to have him come back into my life as a stranger with a future that I have barely any idea about......But is that true? I mean, every time I think about him with Mila, it's like my heart sinks and I feel lost and disappointed. I feel lonely. That's only because I'm jealous right? I envy what he has going for him. He has a future outside of the rink, and all I have is skating. Him and I used to be running at the same pace, now he's so far ahead of me and I don't know how to catch up.

That's it, that's the only reason I'm feeling this way, not because I was in love with him. But because I want to be like him.

My thoughts become quiet for a second, something about what I'm thinking just doesn't seem right. Do I really want to be like Otabek? Or do I-

"YURATCHKA!" My grandpa booms.

"I'M COMING!" I shout back in annoyance.

A few minutes later I'm hobbling down the stairs into the kitchen, Piroshki close behind me. Grandpa watches closely as I sit down, today there's tuna sandwiches on the table. I give him a grossed out look. "Grandpa, you know I hate tuna."

"You hate anything that's good for you, you're a growing boy, you need your fish!" He states firmly.

Piroshki jumps onto my lap and tries to snag one of the sandwiches, I break off a piece for him and he takes it happily. I sigh as I take a bite and chew slowly, Grandpa clears his throat.

"It looks like you have a lot on your mind, do you wanna talk about it?" He asks carefully.

I rub my eyes tiredly. "I'm OK Grandpa, there's nothing to talk about."

"Yuratchka-"

"I said I'm OK!" I snap.

He gives me a surprised look. "Oh, a-alright, I'm sorry,"

I look down at my plate, my vision turning blurry. "I-I think I should go," I don't wait for a response before I careen out of the door.

God, what the hell is wrong with me? I-I can't believe I just lashed out at him like that, I'm so pathetic! How am I supposed to go to training like this, Yakov will be angry at me if I'm distracted; and Otabek will be there...I shake my head quickly, it doesn't matter. Skating is the one thing I have going for me right now, I can't give it up because of him and my actions. I just need to forget for a little bit.

I reach the rink a few minutes later and notice Viktor and Anja climbing out of his vehicle in the parking lot. Anja notices me first and waves frantically. Shit, why this, why now? WHY!

"Hey Yuri!" She calls.

Viktor turns around and gives me a wide smile. "Hey son!"

I want to kick him in the face.

"What the hell are you guys doing here?" I hiss. Viktor had told me recently that he was taking a short break from skating to settle down and plan some things out with Yuuri, so why the hell-

"Anja is going to start training here for a little bit before she goes back home. She's a really good skater, but her jumps are a bit rusty, I'm going to help her out as well, but I want Yakov to take a look at her too." He replies simply.

Anja hugs me tightly. "I'm so excited! I'm gonna be rink buddies with a celebrity!" She squeals.

"Get off of me," I grumble, trying to push her away.

"Aw, but Viktor told me you like hugs," She pouts.

"What? Viktor what the hell, I'm gonna kill you!"

He grins happily. "Don't pretend that you don't like it Yuratcka,"

"Don't call me Yuratchka-"

"Viktor? Oh my God!" I hear Mila shout suddenly from behind me. She races towards Viktor from her car and hugs him almost as tightly as Anja is hugging me. "I haven't seen you in so long! How have you been?"

"Hey Mila!" Viktor laughs. "And I've been well, you know, waking up everyday to my loving, caring, and supportive husband has it's perks." He brags.

I glance quickly behind me and notice Otabek walking over slowly. He has his hair out and black sunglasses perched on top of his head. He's out of his sweats and is wearing a leather jacket and grey jeans, with shin high boots. It would be an understatement to say that he looked really cool and bad ass right now. Just looking at him makes me feel like an immature little kid all over again.

We make eye contact then, but he quickly looks away. He smiles politely when he notices Anja hanging off my neck.

"Hey," He nods to her before walking over to Viktor and Mila. My stomach sinks; did he just ignore me?

Anja gasps, quickly releasing her grip on me. "I-Is that Otabek Altin, the sexy Kazakhstan skater? Oh my God, Oh my God, I can't believe he said hi to me OMG!!! What is he doing here?"

I shrug, pulling my hood up onto my head, suddenly wanting to disappear forever.

Mila looks over at Anja and I then. "What? That's your cousin Viktor?" She asks in surprise.

Anja waves at her. "Hi, I'm Anja."

"I'm Mila! Wow, she looks just like you! I barely noticed because she was wrapped around Yuri so tightly," She winks at me, I feel my face turn red. Otabek looks blankly at me for a second, but quickly looks away again. What the hell is his problem today?

"Yeah, she's gonna be training here for a while, should we go inside? I need to talk to Yakov." Viktor smiles.

"Oh really? Otabek is going to be training here for a while too, this is so exciting!" Mila claps as we all head inside.

Anja tries to suppress an excited squeal. Viktor glances back at me, I give him the middle finger. How the hell did I end up in this situation?

There's a few people on the rink already, I notice Yakov talking to one of the skaters. I sit down on a bench and watch Viktor and Anja go over to him. A sigh escapes my lips and I squeeze my eyes shut. This is exactly the last thing I needed right now, another Viktor, but in girl form, to disrupt my life.

Mila jabs me hard in the shoulder then. "So, when were you gonna tell me about your little girlfriend Yuri?"

"Never, because she's not my girlfriend, I barely know her."

She snorts. "Oh come on, she was hugging you like you were her teddy bear or something. You may be saying one thing, but I know there's something going on there. And she's beautiful too, why not go for it? If she had a boyfriend I'm sure she wouldn't be all over you. You're eighteen now, isn't it time you found someone?"

I tie my hair back and glance up at her. "What? So you think I should ask her out?'

"Yeah, definitely, you guys would look amazing together." She looks at Otabek. "Aren't I right Beka?"

I look over at him too as I remove my shoes. He's giving me an intense look, it's making me uncomfortable. "Yeah." He says.

My hand freezes and I narrow my eyes at him. "Yeah?"

He nods. "Yeah, I think Mila is right. You have a chance to find someone that makes you happy; why not take it?"

"See Yuri?" Mila pokes me, "I told you I was right." She then turns to Otabek and gives him a quick kiss on the lips. "I'm gonna go talk to to Vera, come on the ice soon OK?"

He nods again and watches her leave. I laugh and shake my head.

"You're so full of shit Otabek."

He looks at me in surprise. "What?"

I stand up. "You heard me didn't you? Don't pretend like you didn't."

"Why are you angry at me? I-"

"Just forget it, you're pissing me off." I step out onto the ice and skate away from him. I'm so angry and I don't even know why, he even didn't do anything wrong. No, he did everything wrong. Why the hell would he encourage me to date her? Is he stupid? He's so dense, I can't believe he of all people would actually think that I would go for someone like her. He thinks I'm a knight, he thinks I'm a soldier, but he somehow thinks that I would just settle for any airhead that comes waltzing my way? Doesn't he know me better than that? I thought maybe he did, but clearly I'm contradicting myself. We barely know each other, we haven't had a legitimate conversation in three years. Both of us are different now, and I know that, so I shouldn't blame him for thinking that Anja and I would be good together. But still, his answer pisses me off so much. I bite down hard on my lip, screw him, I need to focus on my training. The new season is coming up soon; and I can't let anyone distract me-

Someone brushes against my arm, I look up startled-it's Otabek.

"Listen to me, just because I agree with Mila, doesn't mean I actually think that she's right OK? I just don't want her to get upset with me, I want to keep her happy." He says seriously.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me-"

"Yes I do." He interrupts. "I don't want you to misunderstand anything Yuri, especially when it comes to me."

"What does that-"

"It means that I care about what you think of me."

I blink in confusion. "W-Why?"

He smiles softly. "Because you're important to me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Yuri doesn't deny that he has feelings for boys the whole chapter (obvs) ;)


	5. Apologies

"Yuri, extend your left leg!"

"Push harder off of your right foot!" 

"What kind of axel is that!" 

"Your lutz is sloppy!" 

I collapse hard on my knees onto the ice, panting loudly."I-I'm sorry Yakov, I-I don't know what's wrong with me today." I speak through gasps. 

He crosses his arms and looks down at me. "Have you even been practising? You're executing all of your moves like an amateur!" 

"I-I have been practising! I just, I don't know." This is so embarrassing, I can feel everybody's eyes on me, they probably think I'm pathetic. Otabek-I glance up, he's watching me from beside Mila who's giving me a wary look. Anja looks surprised, I'm just happy that Viktor left a while ago, I wouldn't want him to see me like this. 

"Get up Yuri, I think you need a break." 

I struggle to stand up, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. Fuck, I can't believe this is happening. It's all his fault, why did he have to tell me that shit before practice started? I stumble off of the ice and sit down, putting my face into my hands. I think I'm gonna throw up, but I'm too exhausted to even try. 

I look up and see the other skaters following through with Yakov's training routine perfectly, even Anja who literally just got here. I can see the way he's looking at her, he loves everything that she does. He used to look at me that way. 

"This isn't fair." I mutter. Why am I doing so bad? I-I can't fail at skating, this is the only thing I'm good at! If I don't have skating, I don't have anything! 

I start breathing heavily, why do the walls feel like they're closing in on me? I can't breathe, was it always so hot in here? Fuck I can't breathe! Am I dying? I-I need to get out of here. My vision becomes cloudy as I yank my skates off of my feet. I need to go home, I can't do this right now. But if I leave, that means I'm running away, if I run away can I really come back? My mind is saying one thing while my body is doing another, fuck, I feel so sick. Shit, no-

"Heuurgh!" This morning's tuna comes flying out from my mouth and onto the carpet. 

"Yuri! My carpets!" I hear Yakov shout angrily at me but I'm barely listening. 

I can't breathe, my legs give out from underneath me and I collapse onto the floor. 

"Yuri, are you OK!" I hear Mila scream. Everything around me is going black. 

"Yuri," I hear his voice, he's really close. His hand touches my forehead, it's really warm, feels nice. "He's really hot, someone call 911." 

His voice is the last thing I hear before I pass out. 

**

"I think he's waking up," 

My eyes feel heavy as I open them slowly. There's a bad taste in my mouth, my body is numb, I can barely move. Where the hell am I? 

"Hey, Yuri? It's Mila, we're at the hospital right now, are you feeling OK?" A voice asks softly. 

I turn my head slowly and focus in on her, she's really blurry. "Y-Yeah," Is all I can say. 

She sighs. "Thank God, you scared the hell out of me. The doctor said you have a fever and that you're suffering from exhaustion, you need to rest. You're grandpa is on his way too." 

I try to sit up. "I can't rest, I-" 

A firm hand pushes down on my shoulder, forcing me back into the bed. "Stop, you can barely walk." It's Otabek, I look at him with a frown but obey his orders. 

"Geez Yuri, if you were sick you shouldn't have come to practice today." Mila leans back in her seat, shaking her head tiredly. 

"I didn't know I was sick, I was fine this morning." I mutter back. 

Otabek clears his throat but doesn't say anything. His presence is making me annoyed. 

Mila's phone rings suddenly in her pocket. She takes it out slowly. "Oh, it's Yakov, I'm gonna take this quickly." She excuses herself and leaves the room. 

Otabek laughs suddenly then. "You should have seen Anja when you collapsed, she was practically crying when they were taking you out on the stretcher. She was so scared." 

I don't say anything, I have no energy. 

"This is my fault isn't it?" 

My heart stops."What?" 

"I told you all of that unnecessary stuff before, you were probably thinking too hard about it. I'm sorry." He says quietly. 

I look down at my hands. "Why would I worry so much about what you said? It wasn't even that big of a deal." Why am I lying to him and myself? What he said did affect me; a lot actually. 

He gives me another strained smile. "OK." 

"But," I fumble awkwardly, "w-what did you mean when you said that? That I'm important to you?" 

"I meant exactly what I said." 

I give him a flat look. "Yeah, but what did you mean by it? Why did you even tell me that?" 

He sighs, his face suddenly turning red. "I don't wanna tell you." 

"What! Are you kidding me?" 

"No, I'm not. Sorry but I'm not telling you anything until you get better alright? So rest up." He smiles. 

I roll my eyes. "Whatever...Well, I'm sorry for lashing out at you back there." 

He shrugs. "It's fine, I'm tough, I can handle whatever you throw at me. How did you think I survived back in Barcelona? You know, when you called me an ass hole the first time we saw each other in over five years?" He gives me a smirk.

I blink. "You remember that?" 

"Yup, I remember everything, including when you choked on that sausage at the restaurant." He bursts out laughing. 

My face heats up. "Hey! That wasn't funny, I almost died!" 

He starts laughing even harder, and I watch him carefully, forgetting how nice it was to see a smile on such a serious face. 

"You know," He sighs after his laughing fit, "the short time that I spent with you at the Grand Prix Finals, was actually probably one of the best times of my life. I was lost back then, really lonely, then I saw you and remembered how much you used to distance yourself from others back at Yakov's training camp. You were always alone, but when you were skating, it's like there was a fire that was ignited inside of you. That's when I realized how similar you and I were, as long as we had something to fight for, we could survive no matter what. That's why I decided to go out of my way to talk to you, and till this day I never regretted that decision.

You changed me for the better Yuri, you allowed me to open up and somehow find another purpose in my life. You gave me another reason to fight for what I Iove, because even though you were always alone, you knew why you woke up every day; you wanted to keep fighting for your passion and for your love." 

I stare at him in awe, feeling speechless. 

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you that for a while now, but I never had the right time to, especially since we got separated after the finals." He smiles nervously at me. 

Why does hearing that from him make me feel so good inside? I take in a deep breath, I want to tell him what he means to me too, I want to tell him how much he changed me, "Otabek-" 

"Yuratchka!" My grandpa flies suddenly into the room and attacks me with a tight hug. 

"Grandpa?" I laugh. 

Mila comes into the doorway and nods at Otabek. "Hey Yuri, we're gonna head out now OK? I hope you get better, I want to see you kicking ass on the ice again soon." She smiles. 

"You will, don't worry." I smile back, glancing at Otabek as he follows her out. He gives me a quick thumbs up before leaving and I give him one too. I guess I'll have to tell him everything another time. 

Grandpa suddenly smacks me in the head. "Ow! What the hell!" I hiss. 

"If you were sick you should have stayed home!" He snaps. 

"I didn't know, Jesus." 

He sighs and shakes his head. "You stress me out too much Yuratchka." 

"Sorry...And I'm really sorry about this morning Grandpa. I think I was just feeling a little bit stressed out today," I smile as innocently as possible.

"Aww, it's OK, I could never stay mad at my cute grandson, just look at that smile, you should be in modelling or something!" He tries to pinch my cheeks but I duck away. 

My grandpa is crazy. 

**

I'm released from the hospital after a few hours and a stern talking to by my doctor. When we get home, I collapse into my bed tiredly. I want to sleep, but all I can think about is Otabek. He just came back on Monday and it's like he's never left...I take out my phone, I have new messages from Viktor and an unknown number. I check Viktor's messages first, they're mainly all asking if I'm OK. I scroll up to the one he sent Monday and read it over and over again. 

"You were in love with him right?" 

Just this morning I would have completely denied that, but now...

I don't know.


	6. Stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick disclaimer, I was up really late writing this, so if some parts seem really shitty I'm so sorry !! But I really wanted to upload for you all, thanks so much for reading, liking, and commenting, I really I appreciate it ! :)

I return to the ice about a week later. I would have returned sooner if grandpa had let me, but he's been really nervous and clingy lately, thinking that I might collapse again.

"Grandpa, I'm going to be fine OK? I'll try not to push myself too hard so you don't have to worry." I tell him as we drive to the rink. Even though it's literally a fifteen minute walk from our house, he still insisted on driving me five minutes.

"You always say that Yuratchka, but you still do anyways." We pull into the parking lot, I suddenly feel nauseous just looking at the place.

"I-I'll be fine." I climb out of the car.

"I'll pick you up when practice is over." He says.

"Grandpa, it's OK, I can walk home."

He narrows his eyes at me. "No."

I narrow my eyes back. "Yes."

We have a short glaring contest before someone jumps on my back, scaring the living crap out of me. "Yuri! You're OK, thank god!" It's Anja's annoying voice.

"Anja get off of me!" I groan.

Grandpa cocks his head curiously at her. "And who's this?"

"She's just my friend." I mutter. Wait, did I actually just call her my friend?

His face lights up. "Oh really? Hello sweetie, I'm Yuri's grandfather, do you mind escorting my stubborn grandson home after practice? He's still a bit shaky from his incident and I'm very worried about him."

Anja beams happily at him. "Of course I can! Anything for Yuri's grandfather!"

I groan louder.

"Alright, thank you so much dear! I'll see you later Yuri, have a nice day!" He gives me an irritating smile. I glare at him as he drives off quickly, leaving me behind with Viktor #2.

Anja links arms with me and starts dragging me towards the rink. "Isn't this exciting?"

"No."

**

Practice goes by relatively quickly today. I actually managed to keep up with all of Yakov's instructions, and he's not looking at me like he wants to kill me anymore so that's good too I guess.

"Good job today Yuri, I'm relatively impressed." He says to me as I'm about to skate off of the ice.

I nod at him. "Thanks."

"Just polish up your lutz a little bit, it's still a bit stiff." He says.

"OK."

"Oh, and you owe me $100."

I blink. "What?"

"Your vomit isn't coming out of my carpets, you know how much that's gonna cost me? I'm not a rich man you know." He huffs, adjusting his hat on top of his head.

"OK fine, sorry, I'll find a way to pay you." I mutter as I turn away. Mila, Otabek, and Anja are waiting for me on the sidelines, I glance at Otabek who's giving me a small smile. I give him a quick one too.

"What was Yakov whining about now?" Mila asks me when I step off of the ice.

I sit down and let out a tired sigh. "He wants me to help pay for his stupid carpets."

"What? Wow, what a cheapskate, he can't pay a couple hundred for some dumb carpets, I can't believe him." She says through giggles.

I laugh too. It's true, Yakov is a pretty big cheapo.

Mila slings an arm around my shoulder then, pressing her cheek against mine. "I think we should all go out today to celebrate your long awaited return to the ice."

"What? Why? I wasn't even gone for that long." I protest.

"I know," She sighs, "but I really feel like drinking tonight..."

"OK well you can drink by yourself-"

"Oh come on Yuri! Let's go! Pleeeasseeee??" Anja begs suddenly.

I frown at her in disbelief. "Aren't you supposed to be walking me home?"

She pouts. "I can always walk you home after, just tell your grandpa that you're going out."

"I don't know if he'll even let me-"

Mila groans. "Whoever wants to go out tonight raise your hand."

She raises her hand, Anja shoots hers up quickly, Otabek slowly raises his. I look at him suspiciously, but then quickly remember how wary he is of opposing Mila and let my suspicions go. "See? Everyone wants to go out but you, don't be such a party pooper man, c'mon!" She nudges me.

I close my eyes. "Geez, fine, but I'm not drinking."

"Yay!" She squeals, hugging me tightly. "I'm driving!"

Well this is going to be a long night. I watch as Anja and Mila walk off together, going to talk to Mila's long time friend Vera. I look back at Otabek who's giving me another one of his serious stares. "What?" I ask. "I don't know, maybe it isn't such a good idea for you to go out right now, you just came back-" He speaks but I cut him off. "I'll be fine, I know what you're thinking. I'm not going to drink OK?"

**

Before we leave I make sure to tell grandpa that I won't be home for a while so that he doesn't worry. He tells me I have to be home by ten o'clock or he'll be very upset. I seriously can't believe I have a curfew now. “Guys, my grandpa says I gotta be home by ten alright? He’s been really annoying lately, sorry.” I tell them as we drive. “Alright.” Anja and Mila reply in unison. Otabek glances at me. We end up at a restaurant about a half hour from the rink. It's really crowded inside, but somehow we manage to get a decent seat in a booth at the back. I sit down close to the window, Otabek moves in beside me, facing Mila. He smells really good, and our shoulders are touching slightly. Somehow, it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, but more at ease.

“Whoo! I’m gonna drink so much tonight!” Mila hoots, she glances at Anja, “you ready to get wasted too?”

Anja nods eagerly.

“Maybe you guys should pace yourselves,” Otabek laughs nervously.

“I’m with him.” I agree.

Mila rolls her eyes. “Sorry, but I’m not taking any advice from you two lightweights. You guys could literally take a small sip of some wine one second and then be pole dancing like Chris and Yuuri at the Grand Prix Finals banquet the next.”

I clench my teeth tightly, feeling annoyed that she would even compare me to those gross drunks. “Just because I’m not an irresponsible drinker like you, doesn’t mean that I’m a lightweight!”

She leans forward towards me with a teasing look in her eyes. “OK then prove it. We're here for you aren’t we?”

“I told you I wasn’t drinking tonight.”

“Yeah, because you know you’re a lightweight.” She smirks. Anja giggles.

I snap. “No I’m not!”

The waiter comes to our table then, greeting us with a polite smile. “What can I get for you all today?”

“Alcohol, and lots of it!” I demand.

“Um, what kind-”

“Any kind you got, just bring it here.” I look directly at Mila. “I’ll prove to you that I’m not a lightweight.”

She gives me a competitive smile in return.

I can feel Otabek watching me worriedly, but I ignore him. I know I said I wasn't going to drink tonight, but I'm not the kind of person who backs down from a challenge so easily. That isn't who I am. Whenever I have to prove myself to someone, I don't play around, even if it does mean that I have to do something stupid.

The waiter ushers off and returns a few moments later with a large tray of drinks.

“Thanks,” I grab one and down it quickly.

Mila takes a slow sip of hers, eyeing me over the rim. “Is that all you can go?” She smiles. Damn she’s pissing me off.

I reach for another one, but Otabek puts his hand on my arm. “Slow down.” He says sternly. I ignore him and drink fast.

“Yuri, you’re crazy!” Anja cheers loudly, she seems like she’s already drunk too.

“Is two enough for you?” I hear Mila ask again.

I grab a third glass and chug it down. The room is spinning now, I can barely think. No, I can't stop now, this looks so pathetic, I have to keep going-

“Beka, why don’t you drink too?” Mila asks him sweetly then, putting her hands firmly on his. I almost choke on my drink.

“I’m fine thanks.” He replies awkwardly.

She leans closer to him, their lips only inches apart. “Pleeaasee? For me? You need to loosen up a little baby, you’re always so serious.”

He sighs and moves forward, kissing her deeply. I stare blankly at them, Anja watches in surprise. Mila licks her lips seductively when he moves away. “You always kiss to get your way, you’re lucky it works. I’ll let you off the hook this time I guess.” She leans back in her seat, giving him a deep look.

Stupid Mila. I pick up another glass, my hand shakes as I do. Seeing them kiss makes me so fucking angry, ugh, screw them, honestly, I just want this dumb pain in my chest to go away already! I chug it down quickly.

“Hey, I think you’ve had enough Yuri.” Otabek warns.

Ignore him. I take another one. Drink it, don’t listen to him.

“Just leave him babe, he hasn’t even had that much.” Mila watches me curiously.

“Are you kidding me? He’s had like five in a row, you two have barely even finished one. Do you really think this is OK?” He argues.

“He’s just trying to prove something, chill out.” Mila replies defensively.

“Y-Yeah,” I slur, “I’m fine, I can g-go more.”

“Yuri, you look sick, you need to stop.” Otabek starts to move the tray away.

“Hey! Quit it!” I hiss, trying to reach for another.

He glares at me. “You’ve already proven that you’re not a lightweight alright? If you keep going you’re going to kill yourself. And you just came back from recovery, are you actually trying to pass out again?”

I clench my fists angrily. “You bastard! Stop acting like you know what’s good for me, I can handle myself!”

He narrows his eyes at me. "Can you really? Because you're acting like an idiot right now!"

I slam my hands down hard on the table, this fucking ass hole!

“Guys stop it!” Anja shouts suddenly then, we all look at her in surprise. She looks frightened. “You’re getting too angry at each other, I don’t want you to start fighting!”

I come back to my senses then, realizing how stupid I’m acting. Geez, he’s just trying to look out for me, why am I getting so angry at him? This is so embarrassing. I stand up slowly. “I think I’m going to head out, I’ll pay for the drinks.”

“Wait, I’m supposed to walk you-” Anja starts but I cut her off.

“It’s fine, you haven’t even ordered anything, stay and eat.” I look at Otabek, he stands up slowly to let me out, giving me an angry look as I do.

“Are you seriously leaving now Yuri? But it's so early!” Mila whines. I feel too ashamed to say anything so I just walk away instead. “C'mon don't be like that! Jeez, now look what you made him do Beka!” Before I leave I ask to pay for the drinks separately, the person gives me a weird look, they probably saw me chugging down all of that alcohol a few minutes ago. Well, so much for a celebration, I was barely here for an hour.

I’m about to leave when I hear his voice call my name. Dammit, I don’t want to talk to him or look at him right now. He explains something to the cashier before catching up to me. “Let me drive you home, you’re in no condition to walk by yourself.”

“No, I-”

“I’m not arguing with you, let’s go.” He walks ahead of me towards his car.

I follow behind awkwardly, climbing into the passenger seat. He starts the engine but doesn’t leave, we sit in silence. Shit this is awkward, couldn’t he have just stayed behind like a normal person? Hm...Maybe I should apologize for getting angry at him. “Otabek, I’m sorry-”

“It’s fine.” He cuts me off quickly.

Well, so much for that. I glance over, he has his jaw set and his eyes are really scary, maybe I should just leave him alone-

“You know, you’re an idiot Yuri.” He snaps at me then.

“What?” I hiss.

“Y-You’re just, so fucking stupid…” He grips the steering wheel hard.

“Look, can you chill out? I’m fine alright?” Is all I can think of saying, he looks really upset and I don't want to anger him more-

“That’s not the point you dumbass!” He shouts.

I clench my teeth. “What the hell is your problem? What exactly do you want me to say!” I rarely ever see him lose his cool like this, it’s making me feel on edge.

“I don’t want you to say anything, I just want you to think logically. Clearly your grandpa is really worried about you because you were sick not too long ago. So why do you think it’s OK to just get wasted all of a sudden just because Mila is bothering you? And then you have the audacity to try and walk home drunk by yourself? How the hell do you think your grandpa is gonna feel when he sees you huh?” He yells at me.

I stare at him at a loss for words.

“How do you think he would feel if you just died randomly because you were acting so stupidly! How do you think Viktor and Yuuri would feel, your mom, Anja, Mila; me? I…I care about you a lot Yuri, so when you’re around me, you can't do stupid shit that’s going to make me angry at you...Because I don’t want to be angry at you, ever.” He calms down, speaking softer. "You just need to think sometimes, think about the people around you and not just yourself."

I put my hand slowly on his, he feels tense. His eyes meet mine then, they look so worried; but why? “I’m sorry OK?” I say again.

He bites his lip. The same lips that Mila has kissed over and over...It isn’t fair. “I know.” I watch his mouth as he speaks. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol in my system, but I suddenly really want to kiss this boy sitting beside me. Or has it been longer? Forever that I wanted to feel his lips against mine. It’s so sudden, but it’s a hard urge, it’s so wrong, but somehow I know it would feel right.

I lean forward, just like Mila, can I be like her for five seconds?

“Yuri?” He sounds caught off guard.

I stop, we’re close, his lips are so close to mine.

“What are you doing Yuri, stop.” He turns away, blushing really hard.

My mind is racing as I sit back abruptly. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? WHAT THE HELL WAS I TRYING TO DO!? He pulls out of the lot quickly then, not looking at me once until we reach my house. “Um, thanks.” I mumble awkwardly. He nods, giving me a confused look as I climb out. I turn back quickly towards him before I walk away. “Please forget about what I tried to do there, please.”

He gives me a sincere smile. “Can I?”

My face heats up. “You better! A-And don’t you dare tell Mila, I’m drunk OK, that’s what drunk people do!”

“So you wouldn’t have tried even if you weren’t drunk?”

I blush. “No, never you idiot.”

“OK, whatever you say.” He sounds disappointed.

“Wait, w-would you want me to try?”

“What?”

Shit, what am I saying he’s engaged! “Nothing, just bye!”

I feel him watching me as I scramble away and race inside.

Shit, shit, shit, I fucked up so bad tonight! I lean against the door frame and close my eyes.

What the hell is wrong with me?


	7. Let Go

Fuck, my head hurts so much right now. It feels like there’s a drill pressing against my skull. Luckily when I got home last night, grandpa was fast asleep on the couch so he didn’t have a chance to beat me up for coming home wasted.

I turn slowly onto my back and look down at my clothes, looks like I was too drunk to change last night. They’re damp with my sweat, and what is that? Barf? Ugh, gross. Thank God it’s the weekend so there’s no practice, I need a shower.

I drag myself to the washroom, peel out of my sweaty clothing, and climb into the bath, putting the water on hot to wake my nerves up. I barely even remember what happened last night, when I came upstairs I was out like a light. Except, I do unfortunately remember trying to kiss Otabek. Dammit.

I climb out of the shower after about a half hour standing under the water and trudge back to my room. I’m too lazy to put on a shirt so I just pull on some sweatpants. A loud knocking sounds on my door then. “Yuratchka, I can’t believe how much water you just used up! Who do you think pays for the bills around here you crazy teenager!” My grandpa shouts angrily.

I open the door. “Sorry, grandpa, oh, by the way, I need $100 dollars for Yakov. He needs me to help pay for his carpets since I threw up on them the other day.”

“What?” He snaps. “You, you’re like a walking bank machine when you want to be.”

I sigh. “Sorry, I can get a job if you want.”

“You better, I barely have any money as it is because of how much you eat,” He pesters me as I head downstairs. “Oh, by the way, there’s a handsome young man here-”

I stop when I see Otabek sitting in the living room, looking curiously around the place. When he notices me his eyes widen. Shit! I don’t have a shirt on! I try to run back upstairs but grandpa stops me.

“Hey now, that’s no way to greet our guests Yuratchka!” He drags me by the arm down the stairs into the living room.

“Geez Grandpa, can I atleast get a shirt, what the hell!” I blush awkwardly.

He shakes his head. “I’ll get you one quickly, keep him company. He came here for you after all.”

I watch him flatly as he goes back upstairs.

“Um, sorry for dropping in randomly like this. I just wanted to make sure you were OK after last night-”

“Sh, sh, don’t talk too loudly, my grandpa still doesn’t know about that.” I hush, putting a finger over my mouth.

He nods quickly, but is avoiding eye contact with me. I put my arms over my chest, geez he’s so obvious. “So is that all?” I ask.

“Ah, no actually, I need your help with something.” He replies.

“With what?”

Grandpa comes back downstairs and passes me a white t-shirt. “Here you go Yuratchka,” I pull it over my head quickly. “If you all need anything, I’ll be outside in the back. Yuratchka, offer your friend some snacks will you? Goodness gracious, who raised you to be so inconsiderate?” He huffs at me.

“OK grandpa, I will sorry.” God, why’s he embarrassing me so much?

Otabek stands then. “Um, actually, I was wondering if I could take your grandson out for a bit? I need him to help me with something.”

Grandpa beams at him. “Of course you can! Well isn’t this exciting? My Yuratchka finally has some friends to hang out with! You should see him, all he does is skate and talk to his cat-”

“Grandpa!” I hiss.

“Oops, sorry, see? He gets so defensive about his pet. Alright, I’ll leave you two be, have a nice time!” He quickly walks off, laughing giddily to himself.

I shake my head. “Ugh, I’m really sorry about him.”

Otabek smiles. “Don’t worry about it, I think he’s cute.”

**

“So what do you need me to help you with?” I ask him as I climb into his car. Oh God, I didn’t think I was going to be back in here so quickly after last night. Pale sunlight streaks through the windows as he pulls out of the driveway. It’s actually kind of warm today, I’m surprised, it’s making me feel really happy. Or is it because I’m with Otabek right now?

“Mila and I have been planning our wedding a lot recently,” He starts and my heart immediately drops. “We’re trying to figure out where a nice place would be to have it, but we can’t seem to make up our minds on the location. Mila’s picked a lot of places, but I don’t exactly like any of them. But when I was driving back from your house yesterday, I saw this really nice space, and I think she’ll like it too. I just, I want someone else’s opinion on it first. And I trust your opinion, so…”

I force a smile onto my face. “Alright, yeah, I can check it out for you.”

He nods, looking happy. I can just imagine it now, them together at the altar, looking deeply into each other’s eyes, saying their vows, then kissing to seal their marriage-I put my hand over my heart, it feels like it’s constricting inside of me. Why does it hurt so damn much?

We drive for a while through town before we stop at a what looks like a large garden surrounded by rose bushes and hedges. It’s placed beside an old, but beautiful rustic church. We walk until we reach the centre of the garden, there’s colourful flowers and a large fountain perched in the middle with a small pond nearby. There are a lot of statues too, most of them decorated with wreaths of white roses and sunflowers. Garlands of lilac flowers and daisies hang a long some of the hedges and are woven into bushes. Even in winter this place still looks so amazing, it’s beautiful really.

Otabek wants to get married here.

I look at him, he’s watching me. “Do you like it? It’s kind of cheesy though right?” He laughs nervously.

“No, this is beautiful Otabek, I think Mila will love this.” I say softly, the lump is back in my throat.

He sighs loudly in relief. “Really? You think so? Oh, thank god, I really wasn’t sure you know?”

I nod. It hurts so much.

“Yuri? Are you alright? You’re crying,”

I touch my cheek quickly, it’s wet. Shit, am I really crying right now? I hate myself, I’m so pathetic. “I-I’m fine, I’m sorry, can we go?” I turn and start walking away quickly, not wanting him to see how big of a mess I am, but he grabs my arm.

“Are you sure you’re OK?” He presses.

“I’m fine, t-this place is just really nice, it’s making me emotional, sorry, I’m embarrassing.” I force myself to say through sobs, the tears won’t stop falling.

“Hey,” He says softly, I feel his arms wrap carefully around me from behind. My breath hitches in my throat as he hugs me gently. “It’s OK,” He whispers into my neck.

“Mhm,” Is all I can say. He’s only doing this because he knows that I’m sad, but still, I turn to face him and hug him tightly, putting my face deep into his chest. I should take advantage of it before he pulls away, and leaves me behind. He doesn’t look at me like how he looks at Mila, he wants to be with her, not me. Three years apart, we’ve never been this close, he’s going to be even farther away eventually, I just want to hold him for a second, before-

He moves away from me slowly then. “Do you want me to buy you something to eat? I don’t think you had breakfast this morning,”

I wipe the rest of my tears away, accepting the reality of the situation. “Sure, thank you.”

He walks ahead of me back to the car. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed; he’s always been so far ahead of me.

**

We go to a diner and order pancakes with whipped cream and fruit on top. I eat mine silently, too afraid to look up and meet his eyes.

“So, when are you guys planning to have the wedding?” I decide to ask, why? I don’t really know.

“Probably summer,” He says sounding deep in thought. “Do you think you and your grandpa will be able to make it?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Good, we still have to make invitations though.”

“Yeah.”

It falls silent again, but I want to know. “Why did you fall in love with her?”

He blinks at me. “What?”

“What made you fall in love with Mila?” I look directly at him when I ask again.

He stares blankly at me for a while, like he doesn’t know the answer to such a simple question. “Well, um, she’s really smart you know? And beautiful, she has a nice sense of humour too,” He replies unsure.

I chuckle. “Why is that so hard for you to answer?”

“It’s not,” He plays with a piece of fruit on his plate. “I-It just kind of caught me off guard, sorry.”

“Why did it catch you off guard?”

“Why are you interrogating me?” He snaps suddenly.

I frown at him. “I’m not interrogating you, all I’m doing is asking a question; why are you getting so defensive?”

His face falls and he looks away, running a hand quickly through his hair. “I’m not...Sorry.”

I study him, why does he look so nervous? He glances back at me with an embarrassed look on his face.”Can you stop staring at me please? Just for a second,”

“Why?” I laugh.

He blushes. “It’s your eyes, I feel like they can see right through me sometimes.”

I stare in surprise at him.

“Yuri,” He presses.

“I’m sorry, b-but I thought I was the only one who felt that way.”

“What?”

I reach out and touch the corner of his eye carefully. “When you look at me, I feel like you can see everything that I’m thinking too.”

“Seriously? Well, it’s only because you’re so easy to read,” He laughs softly.

I brush his eye lashes gently with my thumb, he watches me closely as I do. “Sometimes I wish you were easier to read too.”

He puts his hand on mine and gives it a quick squeeze. “If I was easier to read, you’d probably be really confused about me.”

I move my hand down to his cheek, he closes his eyes and smiles. Why isn’t he pulling away? Maybe I should be the one to, this is wrong...But, but I don’t want to.

I touch his lips carefully with my fingertips, he opens his eyes quickly and moves my hand away.

Oh.

“We shouldn’t be doing this, especially here.” He bites his lip.

I hold my hand against my chest. “Yeah, sorry.”

“Are you ready to go?” He stands.

“Uh, yeah.”

We pay and leave. No one speaks as we drive home, but it’s not an uncomfortable silence. He pulls into my driveway and I climb out, feeling like deja vu all over again. Except this time, I’m not embarrassed.

“See you Monday, thanks for the food.” I nod.

“Yeah,” He looks conflicted. It’s because of me isn’t it?

“Forget about today OK?” I say after a space of silence.

He looks at me. “How can I forget-”

“You have to. And forget about yesterday too, I was acting like an idiot. Just keep doing what’s right because you’ve done nothing wrong.” To be honest, I barely know what I’m talking about, but in some way; it makes sense to me too. “Don’t let the stupid, immature things that I do bother you. I’ll get better, I’ll focus more on skating, I won’t do anything that will ruin your happiness. I won’t do that to you.”

Oh, I think I get it now. Today, when he pulled away twice, I accepted it because I was in the wrong. I’ve been in the wrong since the day he came here. I shouldn’t be feeling the way I feel about him, that isn’t fair to him or Mila. The little things that I do, how I’m trying to reach out to him, the pain I feel when I’m holding myself back, it’ll only get worse. Eventually, I’m going to want him all to myself, and I can’t have that. I can’t have him because he isn’t mine. I knew that for a long time now, even before he came to Russia. He has another life, he belongs to someone else now. I cannot intrude on that. I won’t.

I’ve had this longing for him for a while now, ever since the day he left me behind in Barcelona to wonder where he was and what he was doing. I always remembered the boy who called me a soldier, I’d just been denying it for so long.

“You were in love with him weren’t you?”

No, I am in love with him. I’ve been in love with him since the day that he asked me to be his friend. I’ve always had that memory of him stored away deep inside of me, pushing it down, trying to forget, but when he came back it resurfaced. I pushed it away for so long because I knew it would only hurt me if I admitted how I was feeling, and I was right-it did. It hurts so bad and I just want it to stop. This is why I don’t get close to people, because it hurts too much to let them go. That’s why all I have is skating. Skating is always there for me, always.

I clench my fists tightly and close my eyes. It’s time to let him go. For three years I’ve held onto him, and only today did I realize that he’s no longer with me anymore. He’s planning for the future, and I’m still holding onto the past. We may have been the same back then, but now-we couldn’t be anymore different from each other.

I open my eyes again and look directly at him. He looks so confused, but I won’t let him read me this time.

“Good bye Otabek.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this too dramatic? Was it too sudden? I was thinking it was, but then I realized that I didn't want Yuri to take FOREVER to figure his feelings out because that isn't realistic at all. Hopefully this didn't catch any of you off guard tho, I just want their relationship to start developing properly, and by Yuri's decision here, it definitely will. He'll soon realize that it isn't so easy to let someone go and push them away, especially when that person doesn't want to be apart from him in the first place...BUT NO SPOILERS! Thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Sorry it was so long !!


	8. Distance

To not feel pain, you have to distance yourself from the source of the pain. 

That’s exactly what I did after I said goodbye to him. I distanced myself from Otabek, buried myself deeper into my skating, worked hard non-stop, made sure that I didn’t get distracted again. But distancing myself from him also meant distancing myself from Mila as well. I avoided her, tried not to talk to her too much. It was hard at first, but eventually I got used to it; because it was for the best in the end. 

Otabek hasn’t tried to get closer to me either, I think he knows that I need my space. I mean, I hope he does at least. He’s a distraction, I can’t have any distractions right now. 

It’s been about a month since I stopped talking to him, I only really hang around Anja now, not that I want to, but because she won’t leave me alone. I don’t mind her too much, even though she’s annoying sometimes, I guess it’s nice to have some company while skating. She’s also taught me a few things too, I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but she’s actually really cool. I don’t mind her because she doesn’t cause me pain. Even though she was suspicious as to why I was avoiding Mila and Otabek at first, she eventually let it go and stopped talking about it. She accepted my decisions, and I respect her for that. 

Practice goes on longer than usual today, we’re all trying to polish up a few of our moves. When it ends, I stay on the ice for a little bit longer, trying to help Anja perfect her toe loops. She’s been struggling for a while, I thought I could do something nice and help her out since she’s done a lot for me. 

“Ugh, I’m never gonna get this.” She groans, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand tiredly. 

“Hey, you’re doing a lot better than you were before so be happy about that at least.” I smile. 

“Yeah I guess you're right...Thank you so much for helping me out by the way, you’re awesome.” She gives me a thumbs up. 

I look at her hand for a while. A thumbs up huh? Haven’t seen one of those in a while...

“Hey Yuri! Anja!” Mila’s voice calls from across the ice. She’s skating over. “Otabek and I are going out to catch a movie, do you guys wanna come? We haven’t hung out in forever,” She slugs Anja lightly in the arm, who then smiles and glances nervously at me. 

I take a quick swig of water. “Sorry, but I have to get home soon.” 

Mila frowns. “Oh come on Yuri, you and I haven’t even had a legitimate conversation in over a month! You’re always so busy doing something, just come this once pleeease?” 

“No, I don’t feel like going to the movies, sorry.” 

“OK, then let’s do something else-”

“I said no alright? Are you deaf or something?” I snap.

It falls silent, I see a few people glance over from outside the rink, including Otabek. 

“You know,” Mila starts, “you’ve been, like, avoiding me for such a long time now and I don’t understand why. Did I do something wrong to you?” 

“No-”

“Then why are you acting like such an ass hole these days! Not only am I your friend, but I’m your teammate Yuri! You shouldn’t be treating me like a piece of shit!” She shouts. 

God, I don’t want to argue with her right now. I could never tell her why I’ve been avoiding her, so what’s the point of even wasting my breath? There isn’t one, this is so pointless. I don’t need this kind of bullshit in my life, I don’t care about any of this. “I just want you to leave me alone alright? Is that too much to ask?” 

She gives me a desperate look. “But why?” 

“Because you’re annoying OK? Just get the hell out my face!” How can I even be in the same room as the person who is going to marry the guy that I’m in love with? It’s so stressful and suffocating, I hate every second of it! She’s so stupid, if I’m trying to stay away from her why is she even making an effort to be around me? Can she not tell that I don’t want to be near her right now? It’s pissing me off!

I’m being so selfish, but I can’t help it-just looking at her makes me angry. 

Otabek skates over then, putting a hand protectively on Mila’s shoulder. I glare at him. “What’s going on here?” He asks seriously. 

“Nothing.” I hiss. 

He gives me that stupid concerned look. Mila shakes her head. “I don’t get what any of this means Yuri, you just don’t want to be friends with me anymore is that it?” 

I cross my arms and look down at the ice. That’s the only way she’ll stay away from me right? That’s the only way we all won’t get hurt; it’s the the right thing to do isn’t it? “Yeah.”

Her face falls. “S-So you won’t come to my wedding?” 

That question pierces me through the heart. I wince, why did she have to ask me that? “No.” I’m too afraid to even see what Otabek’s expression is right now. 

I feel Anja tug timidly at my arm. “Hey, don’t you think that’s a bit unfair Yuri?” She whispers to me. 

I move away from her. “It’s my fucking decision, not anyone else’s, I’ll decide if it’s unfair or not.” I just want to get out of here, I feel like I’m drowning. “Excuse me,” I try to move past them but Otabek grabs my arm, his grip is tight. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” 

Huh?

“Why are you treating the people that care about you like they’re a problem? Anja is right, you’re being unfair. Just because something is bothering you, doesn’t mean that you should turn your anger onto others. You may think that what you’re doing is right, but it isn’t in any way. I know you’re better than this Yuri, stop acting so foolish-”

My hand moves on it’s own and I punch him hard in the face, knocking him backwards. This fucking jackass! How can he just stand here and tell me this bullshit! Doesn’t he understand that I’m doing this for him! I’m doing all of this for him so that he can be happy! Why doesn’t anyone understand! I don’t do the things that I do for myself, I don’t put myself through all of this pain for nothing! Since day one I’ve been struggling, I’ve been fighting to make the people around me happy! I thought he of all people knew that! He said I was a soldier, a knight, I was someone that fought for what he loved! So why? Why can’t he see that I’m still fighting? Why can’t he see that I’m tired? I-I thought that he did, I thought that he saw right through me!

B-But, why did I expect so much from him?

I collapse onto my knees and bury my face into my hands. 

Because, out of everyone, he was the one person that understood me the most; even when I didn’t understand myself. 

“Yuri,” I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder then. “Let’s go OK? I’ll walk you home.” It’s Anja. 

I don’t even have the strength to stand up. 

“Take my hand, let’s go.” 

I move my hands away from my face and look up at her, she’s smiling at me, even after all this. Her hand is reached out towards me, I take it slowly and somehow manage to pick myself up. 

“Otabek! Are you alright? What the hell is going on!” People start rushing over to him. He’s sitting, holding onto his nose, staring up at me with a shocked look on his face. Mila has the same look, but her eyes are sadder. 

“Where’s Yakov?” 

“Yuri, what the hell is your problem?” Someone spits at me. 

“I thought he changed but I guess he’s still an ass.” 

Anja squeezes my hand. “Don’t listen to them.” 

I nod and we skate off together. It feels wrong to just leave them behind like this; but doesn’t everything feel wrong now?

Nothing will ever be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 0-100 real quick...To soon? Sorry :,D Have a happy New Year everyone, thanks so much for reading!


	9. Otabek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otabek's POV.

“You have to. And forget about yesterday too, I was acting like an idiot. Just keep doing what’s right because you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t let the stupid, immature things that I do bother you. I’ll get better, I’ll focus more on skating, I won’t do anything that will ruin your happiness. I won’t do that to you.”

“Good bye Otabek.”

I want to say that I’m confused about what he told me then, and that I don’t understand why he said those things; but I’d be lying to myself if I did.

I met Mila at an airport, she was coming back from America after visiting some family there. I immediately recognized her as Yuri’s teammate from Barcelona. It had been a few months since the GPF’s had ended, and Yuri and I had lost touch. I was the first one to break contact. Why? Well, it’s simple, I was scared. I didn’t know if he wanted to keep talking if we were going to be so far apart, I didn’t think that he would want to see me again; I thought he maybe wanted to forget about me.

But, when I saw Mila, I had to find out how he was doing, I needed to know if he was OK. I just wanted to know something, anything. So we talked, she said he was doing alright, but I could tell that she wasn’t interested in what I was saying. The way she looked at me, smiled, touched me, you could tell that she was flirting. I didn’t care at all for it. I didn’t really care about her to be honest. But, she pulled me in somehow.

I eventually fell into her spell, maybe it was to fill the emptiness that was eating me up inside. When she held me I felt comforted, when she kissed me I felt loved, when we made love I felt satisfied. She was like a shield that hid me from the harsh pain of reality. I held her close to me because I was scared that if I let her go, then I would fall back into a darkness that I didn’t understand. That darkness was him. I didn’t understand why, even though I had this beautiful woman beside me who kept giving me her unconditional love, why he was always in my head.

This boy, his smile, his eyes, his everything. Why was he still there? Why wouldn’t he leave me alone? And why did I keep pushing him away? Was I scared to accept something that I thought was wrong?

Mila and I were together for about a year before I proposed. If I made her my wife I could forget right? Because I was making a commitment, I was giving my life to her, I-

“Will you move to Russia with me?”

Even then, I guess I couldn’t escape-but was I not expecting this? I could have stayed behind in Kazakhstan, but I was running away. After my grandmother died, I fell apart. My mother had already left, my dad, he was dead. I was all on my own again. She was the one person that cared for me, so when she died, everything became unbearable. The country that I once wanted to fight so hard for became the country that I only wanted to desperately escape from, that’s what I always told Mila. I just couldn’t go back home. That’s why she asked me to move in with her, because she knew I wanted to get away. But I was contradicting myself from the start. I wanted another place to go home to, because I wanted to escape from mine, but in that new home; there was still another thing that I wanted to escape from.

Him.

He was my new monster.

The boy that never left my mind, the boy that tormented my thoughts, he walked in before me that day, ready to destroy everything that I thought I worked so hard for. He came in and overshadowed everything, forcing me to remember when I was truly happy and not using someone else to fill my void. The boy who was and still is similar to me in so many ways.

"It doesn't matter, don't worry about it."

"Yeah, I guess we were, but that was three years ago. Stuff happened, and there are more important things we should be focusing on now."

"You're not sure if you made the right decision right?"

"Just forget it Otabek."

"You're so full of shit Otabek."

"Why would I worry so much about what you said? It wasn't even that big of a deal."

“Why did you fall in love with her?”

“When you look at me, I feel like you can see everything that I’m thinking too.”

Almost everything that he said to me, I was already thinking, I was already wondering so long ago. All of the little things he did to me, trying to kiss me, putting his hand on my cheek, touching my lips, those were all of the things that I wanted to do so long ago. Except, I stopped myself, then and now, I told myself no. I couldn’t do that, because I had Mila, I didn’t want to hurt her, I didn’t want to hurt him.

“You have to. And forget about yesterday too, I was acting like an idiot. Just keep doing what’s right because you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t let the stupid, immature things that I do bother you. I’ll get better, I’ll focus more on skating, I won’t do anything that will ruin your happiness. I won’t do that to you.”

He understands me so well. He’s trying to do exactly what I’m trying to do to him. He’s just trying to protect me. I know that, I know that already, so why-

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Why are you treating the people that care about you like they’re a problem? Anja is right, you’re being unfair. Just because something is bothering you, doesn’t mean that you should turn your anger onto others. You may think that what you’re doing is right, but it isn’t in any way. I know you’re better than this, stop acting so foolish.”

W-Why did I tell him that?

I ask myself that question but I already know the answer.

I’ve been treating my family like they’re a problem by running away from them for so long, I’m being unfair to Mila because I’m using her and I don’t even love her, I know that, which is why I got angry at Yuri when he asked me why I fell for her. Right then and there, the feeling of cluelessness and confusion hit me like a speeding bus. Why the hell was I even in love with her? I didn’t have a good answer to his question, because I already knew for a long time that I wasn’t.

For a long time, I thought that what I was doing was right, I thought that by running away and being with Mila I could be happier, that I could forget about everything. But I haven’t. I’m still lost, looking for a way out. I have to stop acting like such an idiot, I need to wake up already-

His fist connects with my face.

Wake up Otabek!

Stop hiding behind her your shield! Wake up and see what’s right in front of you!

I blink. Yuri?

He collapses in front of me on his knees, burying his face in his hands.

He needs you more than you need him.

He needs someone to save him from himself.

Destroy the monster inside of him!

Save him Otabek.

Love him!

You are one and the same.

I watch Anja help him up, they’re skating away.

No, I-I can’t let him leave me behind, not again!

I want to fight our war together, side by side!

My body moves on its own.

What the hell am I doing?

“Otabek?”

This is insane, everyone is watching, Mila too…

But I don’t care.

I grab him and we stumble forwards, falling on top of each other onto the ice. He looks up at me startled, with those strong, beautiful green eyes. This is it, this is what I want. I’m not hiding anymore, I’m not going to run away. I’m not going to deny it, I’m not going to try and forget. I’ve been doing that for three years now, I’m so tired of it; and I know he is too.

I can’t wait any longer for him, I can’t hold back anymore.

I hug him tightly, burying my face into his neck, taking in every part of him.

“Let me save you.”

He gasps, a small sob escaping from his mouth. His hands grip tightly around my shirt, holding on, not letting go.

Don’t let go of me Yuri; I can’t live without you.

“O-OK.” He whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Otabek saving Yuri is pretty much a metaphor to him saving himself. He knows that he and Yuri are struggling with the same problems, because even though Yuri's been denying it, they are so similar and they always have been. If he can finally open up to Yuri who he's been running from for so long, he knows that he'll be able to confront the many other challenges that he's been avoiding for a long time as well. 
> 
> \- Just thought I'd sum that up for you, thanks for reading! <3


	10. Together

Otabek and I leave the rink together, he’s holding on tightly to my hand as he leads me to his car.

Mila had tried to stop him before he could go.

“Otabek, what the hell are you doing?” She hissed.

“I’m sorry Mila,” He took off his skates quickly and stood up.

“I don’t get what you’re doing!”

“I’ll explain to you later OK? I’m sorry, come on Yuri.” He picked up my bag and took my hand.

“Are you kidding me? Do you really think I’m going to let you just walk out of here like this? Where the hell are you going?” She shouted angrily.

“I know, I-I didn’t think this through very well, I’ll come back in an hour, I just need some time-”

“You’re not just going to leave me alone here!” She pushed him backwards, but Anja quickly intervened, putting her hand on her arm.

“Stop Mila, just let them go.” She said softly.

“No! This is bullshit! What the hell is even going on!”

Otabek tugged at my hand. “Let’s go OK?”

I nodded, but I couldn’t ignore the fact of what I was doing. I want to tell Mila everything, I want to explain things to her, I didn’t want it to happen like this. The look that she gave me as I left with him, a look of betrayal, confusion, disgust, and anger. It put a deep, endless hole in my heart. I didn’t want to hurt her like this, that’s why I avoided them, that’s why I stayed away. But, looking at Otabek right now, and how he has his hand in mine, it’s like her feelings don’t even matter to me anymore.

When I’m with him everything just disappears.

We drive for a while, I’m not sure where we're going, but it doesn’t really matter to me. I take out my phone and call grandpa, saying that I’m going to be coming home late tonight. He says that as long I come home safe, he’s fine with it.

I look at Otabek, I know I’ll be safe.

We stop in a parking lot a few minutes later. He turns off the car and takes my hand again, gripping it tightly.

“I’m sorry everything just got really crazy right now.” He sighs.

I touch his nose carefully, he winces. “I’m really sorry about that, I shouldn’t have hit you so hard.”

“No,” He shakes his head, “I deserved it, you were in pain because of me and I just completely ignored it because I’m a coward.”

“If you’re a coward, then I’m a coward too.”

He looks at me with a sincere smile. “We’re the same.”

I smile too. “Yeah, we are.”

He looks at me for a while, studying me.

“What?”

“I’m going to tell you something that I’ve been wanting to tell you for three years now.” He says firmly.

I feel my face turn red. “Wait, wait, um...If it is what I think, I-I want to tell you first.”

He laughs, brushing a piece of hair out my eye. “You’re so cute; how about we say it together then?”

“Can we?” Geez, it feels like my heart is going explode in my chest right now.

“Yeah, OK-”

“Wait, um, before we do, I need to know; you’re not still in love with Mila right?”

Otabek kisses my knuckles softly. “No, I was never in love with her, I’m in love with y-”

“Wait you idiot!”

“Well I can’t hold it in anymore, let’s go already!”

I clench my teeth and close my eyes. “O-OK, on the count of three alright?”

“OK, one.”

Oh god. “Two.”

“Three.”

“I-” I’m cut off with his lips against mine, he pulls me closer to him and kisses me deeply and desperately. I pull away from him quickly. “Hey! What the hell are you doing!”

“Sorry,” He laughs, “I’ve been wanting to do that for three years too.”

“Yeah, well, that wasn’t fair! You know what, since you got to do that first, I’m going to say it first-”

“I love you.” He cuts in.

I blush hard. “Otabek!”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I love you Yuri, and I’ve loved you for a long time.” He looks seriously into my eyes when he says this.

Hearing those words, I’ve never felt happier in my life. Tears start to well up in my eyes again and I bring his hand to my lips, kissing his palm softly. “I love you too Otabek.” I cry. He wipes away my tears softly, and kisses the top of my head.

“I’m so happy right now, you don’t even know.” He whispers into my hair.

I look up and smile at him. “I think I’m happier.”

He kisses me again, except this time there’s less urgency. I run my fingers through his hair and move my lips carefully along his. This is my first kiss, and I’m so happy that it’s with him. He pushes me back on the seat and climbs on top of me, kissing me harder. His lips move down to my neck and I close my eyes, I feel his hands slip underneath my shirt, his fingers tracing my stomach carefully.

“Um,” I shiver. He pulls away quickly.

“Sorry, am I going too fast?”

I put my hands over my face, Jesus, can I stop blushing already! “Just a little bit, sorry, I’m not really used to this.”

He kisses my stomach softly. “It’s OK, I’ll go at your pace.”

I hug him tightly and we lay like that for a while, he plants light kisses behind my ear as I stare up at the ceiling of the car.

“There’s still a lot to talk about.” I speak up after a while.

He puts his head on my shoulder and sighs, playing with my hair. “Yeah, I know, but, I just want to forget for a little bit.”

“I know but; what are we going to do after this?”

He groans into my chest. “I really have no idea.”

“Yeah, me either.”

It falls silent.

“First, I’m going to break up with Mila properly.” He says suddenly.

“What about the wedding?” Asking that question makes my stomach sink.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll have to call that off too.”

I close my eyes. “I hate what we’re doing to her, she’s a good person, she doesn’t deserve this.”

He sighs. “I know that, but, I can’t go back to her like this, not when I’m in love with you. I was being more unfair to her before than I am now. Our whole relationship was a lie, I just hid behind her because I was too afraid to admit what I was feeling. I just used her for my own good.” He says.

“Because of me,” I whisper.

“Yeah,” He kisses my neck again, “because of you.”

Tears come to my eyes once more. No, stop thinking Yuri. You can’t think about this now. You knew what you were getting yourself into, you could have stopped yourself from being taken by him back there, you could have stopped yourself from falling in love with him. You could have kept denying it, to protect the people around you. But you didn’t, so now you're in this mess and you dragged the people that you love in it with you too.

This is what you didn’t want from the start, so why now, when you finally get what you want, are you only seriously considering everyone else’s feelings? Why are you only realizing now how big of a shit storm you’ve created? It’s because you’re selfish, you’re stupid, you don’t deserve to lie here being happy with another woman’s love. You knew from the start that this was wrong, yet you were weak, so you went through with it. You went along with it because you were tired.

I grip Otabek’s arm. All you want is for him to be happy, do you think he will be happy like this? If he wants to be with you, he’ll have to break Anja’s heart, call off the wedding, and then what? He’ll move out, but where will he go? He can’t live with you, grandpa probably wouldn’t allow it, and why would he even stay in Russia? For you? A stupid boy who doesn’t even know what he’s doing? He’d continue his life in a place that’s not even his home all for you? After sacrificing so much? After everything that went down at the rink, you think he’ll keep going through all of that suffering for you?

Do you really want him to do that? Or would you run away together? Run away from all of your problems like you’ve been doing forever now? What the hell are you going to do now Yuri? What have you gotten yourself into?

I made the right decision before didn’t I? But that was under different circumstances, things have changed, things are no longer the same. If I ended it all here; what will that do to him? That would make me seem like the most conceited person ever. He throws everything away for me, I take him happily, but then I just leave it all behind when I realize that it’s too much to handle?

I can’t do that to him.

But, I can’t stay with him either.

It doesn’t matter what I do; I’ll hurt him either way.

“O-Otabek,” I whisper.

If I’m going to hurt him either way, then I know what the right thing is to do. But is it really the right thing?

“Otabek.”

It has to be.

“Yeah? What is it?”

“We can’t do this Otabek.”

“What?” He sits up looking at me surprised.

“I-I’m not going to let you do this.” I continue.

“Yuri, what the hell are you saying? Where is this even coming from?”

I put my hand on his chest. “Think about what I’m saying-”

“No, I’m not thinking about anything! Why are you suddenly making this decision on your own?” He shouts.

“Open your eyes Otabek! Do you not know what will happen if we stay together!” I shout back.

“I don’t care!”

“You have no possible future with me! Nothing will go right after today, I don’t want you to suffer anymore because of me!”

He clenches his fists. “Everything has already gone to shit Yuri! You distancing yourself from me is not going to change the fact that everything is already ruined! I accepted that fact already, why the hell do you think I’m here with you! I don’t care what happens to us, as long as I’m with you, I know I can move passed it no matter what!”

I hang my head. “You don’t get it,”

“What don’t I get Yuri?”

“Everything!” I scream. “You don’t understand Otabek! A-Are you really going to stay in Russia with me? Is that what you want? What the hell are we even going do? Are we going to live together or something? You don’t seem to understand the drastic changes that we’re going to have to make to be with each other! Everyone is going to think badly of us for what we did to Mila, skating won’t be the same when we’re training with people who hate us, Mila will never talk to us again, I don’t even know-”

“Yuri, stop.”

“I don’t even know what future we could possibly have Otabek! I-I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” I put my face in my hands.

“Hey, stop OK?” He pulls my hands away. “I told you to let me save you, as long as I’m around, you don’t have to worry about any of that stuff. I know you’re scared, I know how new this is for you, but I’m right here OK? I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“I can’t do this,”

“Hey,” He puts his hand on my cheek. “Look at me OK? We can get through this alright? Why are you giving up so early? This isn’t the Yuri Plisetsky I know, you’re a fighter, you are a soldier. I can see it in your eyes, you want this as much as I do, you don’t want to just let it go so easily!”

“I-I’m not letting it go because I want to Otabek, I’m letting it go because I need to!” I close my eyes, not wanting to look at him anymore.

“Yuri, don’t do this to me, please, you can’t do this to me. W-We can get through this together, please, I know we can.”

I don’t say anything.

“Yuri! Look at me!”

“Please, take me home.”

He buries his face in my chest. “No, you’re not leaving me, not after all this! I’m not going to leave without you again! I-I don’t care what happens OK? Just stay with me, please!”

“Otabek.” I try to keep my voice from shaking.

“I know you’re only doing this because you think it’s for my own good, because you’re scared, but what about what I want? I don’t want to be separated from you Yuri-”

“Otabek!”

He lifts himself up, tears staining his cheeks.

“I love you.” He cries.

“I-I love you too Otabek, but I have to do this, I’m sorry.”

I look up at him now, but I wish I didn’t. He looks broken, shattered, his body is trembling; but I don’t try to comfort him. That would defeat the whole purpose of what I’m doing.

“Are you really doing this to me?” He croaks.

It takes every last bit of my strength to nod at him. He blinks in a daze at my answer and then climbs slowly off of me back to his seat.

Don’t cry Yuri, please don’t cry, just be strong this one time. You just have to get through this for him, please, hold on just a little bit longer.

“You have no idea how much you mean to me.”

No, don’t do this.

“It doesn’t matter what you do, I will never, ever hate you.”

Stop.

“But, the worst thing that you could ever do to me; is give up on me, not have faith in me, not think that I wouldn’t fight for you and protect you against anything.”

Stop!

“Except, I guess what I didn’t realize was that I’m what you're fighting now aren’t I?”

“No-”

“How can I protect you from myself?”

I start crying.

“I-I don’t want to cause you any more pain either Yuri, I just want you to be happy. And if this is what makes you happy, then I respect your decision.”

“How could you think this makes me happy?” I sob.

“Because, nothing could make you happier than when you’re protecting me, and the same goes for me.” He replies softly. “Maybe someday, when we’re both stronger, and we have everything figured out, we can come back together. But I don’t want to force you into something that you’re uncomfortable with.”

I start crying harder. “I-I’m sorry, y-you’ve done so m-much for me-”

He puts his hand on my cheek. “Sh, it’s OK, stop crying, please, you’re going to make me cry even more.”

But I can’t stop crying, doing this hurts too much.

“It doesn’t end here OK? I’ve waited three years before, I know I can wait even longer for you Yuri. I’d wait a thousand years if it meant knowing that I’d be able to come back to you eventually.” He says softly, pulling my hair carefully out of my eyes. “Look at me, I want to see your eyes one more time.”

“N-No, they’re really red,”

“I don’t care.”

I look at him slowly, he’s smiling. But how?

“Yuri Plisetsky had the unforgettable eyes of a soldier.” He leans his forehead against mine. “And he still does.”

I put my lips on his for the last time. “Otabek Atlin, the unforgettable boy who saved my life.”

 

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They finally said it at the same time! :)


	11. Go On

It’s been a few days, I haven’t returned to the rink yet. To be honest, I don’t really plan to. Otabek won’t be there, he’s going back to Kazakhstan for a little bit, said he had some things to figure out. But, how long is a little bit? I made the decision to leave him, and now I want him back already. I’m selfish. It’s not even about me anymore.

But, it hurts, it hurts so much to know that he’s so far away again; and it’s my fault. It’s funny how quickly things can change, it was easier before when I was denying my feelings for him, but eventually I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t let him belong to someone else.

I haven’t left my bed for three days, grandpa thinks I’m dying, he’s really worried about me. I keep telling him I’m fine, but I’m lying through my teeth. I can’t tell him any of this, because I don’t even know where to start.

I don’t know anything. I’m empty, dark, nothing, I just want to be with him, but I can’t.

“Maybe someday, when we’re both stronger, and we have everything figured out, we can come back together.”

When will I be stronger? What does it even mean to be strong? I’ve never been strong, I’ve just been pretending that I am all this time. I’ve always pretended, but when I was with Otabek, it was all real. Everything was real and pure.

I close my eyes.

“Are you really doing this to me?”

Why are you doing this to me?

“Yuri?”

Otabek?

“Yuri! Look at me!”

I open my eyes.

Anja and Viktor.

What are they doing here? Am I seeing things?

“Hey Yuri.” I hear Anja speak softly.

No, I’m not.

“Please leave.” I pull my covers over my head and turn away.

“Your grandpa let us in. Anja says that you haven’t been at the rink lately, why’s that?” Viktor asks, he sounds annoyed. Why doesn’t he just get the hell out of here.

“Vicky, you promised you wouldn’t get upset. He’s just dealing with some things right now OK? I don’t know all of the details, but I know that it’s serious.” Anja pleads.

“Well, this isn’t the Yuri Plisetsky I know, he-”

“Look at me OK? We can get through this alright? Why are you giving up so early? This isn’t the Yuri Plisetsky I know, you’re a fighter, you are a soldier. I can see it in your eyes, you want this as much as I do, you don’t want to just let it go so easily!”

I clench my teeth. “What the hell do you know!” I shout furiously. “Stop assuming everything about me, I-I’m not who you think I am. I’m weak, pathetic, useless…” I’m just tired of talking and trying to justify myself. I don’t even know what I’m trying to prove to anyone anymore.

“Is that what you really think you are? Are you kidding me?” Viktor scoffs. “Do you not even know yourself?”

“No. I don’t really know anything anymore.”

He grabs my shoulder and forces me to face him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

That’s exactly what Otabek asked me wasn’t it? I look blankly at him. “I’ll never have the answer to that question, I’m sorry.”

He drops his hand and stares at me. “Do you really think lying here in your self sorrow is going to change what problems have happened in your life? I don’t know what’s happened to you Yuri, but what I do know is that nothing is going to change if you just lay here, do nothing, and give up.”

“So I guess if I keep trying, things will get better then?” I ask already knowing his answer.

“Yes-”

“No. It won’t. I’m tired of trying and failing, I’m just tired of being tired, I just want everything to stop already.” I interrupt.

“What? What is everything? Your life? You just want the Earth to stop spinning because of you? You want time to just stop for you? Do you want everything to just disappear?” He pushes.

“Yes. I just want it all to stop.” I can barely even hear the words that are coming out of my mouth right now. I’m just speaking without thinking.

“Yuri.” It’s Anja again.

“You just want someone to acknowledge it don’t you?”

“What.”

“The hell you’ve been through, I can see it in your eyes. You’re trapped, suffering, in pain, and no one understands do they? They’re always telling you that you’re stronger, better than what you really are. But you yourself don’t even know what you really are do you? You don’t know why you do the things that you do, you don’t know why you fight. You’re lost, scared, and you think that there’s no one around to save you from yourself. So you’re just giving up, because you’re tired of trying to find something that isn’t there.” She says to me.

I start to tear up again. “There was someone there to save me.”

“You mean Otabek right?” She asks softly.

“Otabek.” Viktor repeats.

“I don’t know everything Yuri, but the first day I saw him, I could tell by the way you looked at him that you were in love with him.” She pauses. “The same goes for him actually, many times you didn’t notice, but he was almost always watching you with this intense look in his eyes, a look of admiration. Then what happened at the rink a few days ago validated what I already knew, you two, you have something special. He hasn’t been at the rink lately either, Yakov said he went back to his country, which would explain why you’re acting like this.

Something happened between that moment he took you away and now, I don’t know exactly what it was, but clearly it hurt you a lot and I’m so sorry that it did. But, no matter what happened Yuri, you cannot blame yourself for it. You can only become stronger because of it. I know you’re tired of people telling you this, but you are a fighter. You’ve already gotten this far, so there is no doubt in my mind that you can make it farther.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. “But I don’t know how, I don’t know what to do.”

“Hey,” she puts her hand on mine, “have some faith in yourself will you? Believe in yourself, believe in your abilities. Do not run away, because whatever you run away from will always follow behind you and try to bring you down. It will never go away unless you turn around and face it head on. I believe that you can do this, I believe that you can get through this. I believe in you Yuri.”

I didn’t want to cry again but I can’t help it.

“Um,” Viktor speaks up carefully, “Anja said all the good stuff already, but yeah, I believe in you too Yuri. Things we’re tough with Yuuri and I too, trust me, but we got through it because we had faith in ourselves and in each other. You’re like a son to me, I care a lot about you, I hate to see you lying here in sadness, it kills me you don’t even know.”

“I-I’m sorry, I’ll try and get better, I just need some time.” I reply, somehow meaning what I’m saying.

They have faith in me, so shouldn’t I have faith in myself? I’ll try, I’ll try my hardest. I have to, because if I ever see Otabek again; I don’t ever want to let him go.

**

When Anja and Viktor leave, I force myself to call Mila. I’ll start with her. I have to.

“Yuri.” She answers, her voice sounds raw.

“Mila, can we talk, I have some things to say to you. Do you think we could meet up-”

“I can’t speak to you right now.” She cuts in.

My heart sinks. “Oh, I’m sorry, are you busy, I’ll-”

“I don’t think I can force myself to look you straight in the eye again for a long time. You have no idea what you did to me do you? How can you just call me up wanting to apologize like we went through something so little? You, you took him from me Yuri. You took him away from me!” She shouts suddenly.

I pull the phone away from my ear and close my eyes, trembling. Stop, you can’t give up yet, just keep going on, tell her what you want to say. “Mila,” I speak softly into the speaker. “I know you’ll never forgive me for what I did to you and I completely understand, but, I can’t tell you that I’m sorry for doing it. I do not regret what I did.”

There’s muffled noises on the other end but I don’t pay attention. “What I do regret is losing someone like you, a good friend, a teammate, you may hate me so much right now and I get that, but I could never, ever hate you. I betrayed you, but you still mean so fucking much to me. Even though sometimes I don’t act like it, I valued our friendship a lot and I didn’t ever regret having it with you. I love you Mila, you are so important to me…” I trail off.

There’s sobbing on the other end. “This isn’t fair, don’t tell me this!” She’s screaming.

I push down the lump in my throat. “I had to, I’m sorry.”

“Why? Why did you do this to me? You don’t know how it feels to have the man you love tell you that he’s in love with someone that you thought was your friend! You don’t know how that feels! You’ll never know!” She cries loudly. “H-He told me that he never loved me, that you were always the one that he loved. He was lying to me this whole time! Two and a half years of my life dedicated to him Yuri! A-All gone…”

I close my eyes again.

“And you wanna know what the worst thing is? It’s that...I knew, I fucking knew all along. I knew that it wasn’t me, I knew that he didn’t care about me. The first damn day that I talked to him, all he was asking about was you! All I wanted was to divert the attention away from you! That’s all I wanted! B-But I could never, because no matter what I did; it was always about you.”

“Fuck,” I whisper.

“He was in love with Yuri Plisetsky from day one.” She says to herself. “From day one.”

“Mila-”

“I was the stupid one all along, I knew how he felt but I kept denying it. And then I saw the way you looked at him, how you guys were when you were around each other. I knew, I knew everything. There was no room there for me, but I was too afraid to let go. I didn’t want to let go of him. I wanted to stay with him for as long as I could, until I was ready.” She chuckles. “I just wanted him all to myself.”

The line goes silent, I can only hear my heart pounding in my ears.

“I think, we should just stay away from each other for a while. I can’t face you right now without absolutely hating myself.” She speaks up.

I hold back more tears. This is what she wants, just accept it. “I understand.”

“Oh; so now you understand? I guess since he left you too, that’s when you’re starting to feel sympathetic huh? Bullshit, good bye Yuri.”

She hangs up.

I stare blankly at the phone for a while, many thoughts running through my head.

Otabek left me under different circumstances, because I forced him to. He left her because he knew he had to. There’s a difference. There’s been a huge difference between us from the start.

I just didn’t know it until now.


	12. Beginnings

I force myself to return to the rink a few days later. I miss skating, it makes me happy, it’s the one thing that I can’t neglect. I know that if I skate I’ll be able to forget my pain for a little bit, all I need is just a moment where it doesn’t feel like there’s a hole in my heart.

I’m nervous though, especially after what happened a week ago. But I know Anja will be there, so I think I’ll be able to handle it. Except, I’m not really sure what Yakov is going to say, I’ve been missing a lot of valuable time, he’ll probably be really upset at me especially with competitions right around the corner. Whatever he throws my way, I’ll try to deal with it. I just need to get back on the ice.

As soon as I walk in, I’m scolded by him and met by awkward, judgemental looks by my teammates. It’s uncomfortable, especially since Mila is trying her best not to look my way as well. She probably won’t ever look at me again.

I tell Yakov that I take responsibility for skipping out, and say that I’ll practice harder, but it doesn’t look like he believes me. I’m surprised he hasn’t let me go already. “You have a great amount of potential Yuri, stop letting it go to waste.” He says before starting practice. I guess somehow, someway, he also has faith in me. That thought gives me strength.

Anja skates up beside me then and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Glad to see you back.” She smiles.

I give her a quick nod. “Yeah, thanks for everything by the way. I don’t think I’d even be standing here if it wasn’t for you. You’re a good person, you really know how to cheer someone up.”

Her eyes sparkle and she hugs me...Again. “Gah! No problem Yuri, I’d do anything to make my favourite skater happy!” She squeals.

I laugh. I’m her favourite skater huh? That makes me feel really good, better than I’ve been feeling since he left. I think, if I have her by my side I can make it through this.

When practice ends, Anja walks me home. It’s dark out, but there are so many stars in the sky. It’s so beautiful, makes me feel relieved in some way.

“Oh God, you hear them at night?” I cringe at her in depth story of the sounds she hears in Viktor and Yuuri’s bedroom when she tries to sleep.

“Yeah! They don’t even try to make it subtle, they’re just going at each other while I’m right there in the other room! It’s so disgusting, I literally don’t even know how I’ve managed to survive living there this long.” She laughs.

“Jesus,” I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear and look up at the sky, lost in thought. It’s funny how small and insignificant you can feel underneath all of these stars and galaxies, it’s like my problems are nothing compared to what’s happening out there and around me.

Anja looks up too. “Wow, I never noticed how pretty the sky is here at night!” She gasps.

“Yeah, looking at it kind of makes you feel irrelevant doesn’t it?” I whisper.

“Yeah, you’re right...It does.” She looks at me.

I look at her and smile, then look at my shoes.

“You know, Otabek is a really lucky guy.” She breathes, cool white air escaping from her lips.

I look at her again. “How so?”

She pulls her scarf closer to her chin, blushing slightly. “He has you.”

I blink.

“He has someone that loves him so much that he would sacrifice his own happiness for him. I think that’s pretty amazing, I wish someone would do that for me. I wish I had someone that would fight for me as hard as you’re fighting for him.”

I stare at her for a while. “Hey, don’t worry about it alright? I definitely know that one day someone is going to want to fight for you too; and they’re never going to want to let you go, trust me on that. You’re an amazing friend, so there’s no doubt in my mind that you’d be an even more amazing girlfriend. ”

She smiles now, but it’s not her usual excited one, it’s a sincere, happy smile. “Thank you Yuri, hearing that from you literally means the world to me, you have no idea.”

I wonder, why does she look up to me so much? What did I do to deserve someone who admires me as much as she does? I think I get it now though, she’s one of the reasons I can still keep pushing ahead. My grandpa, Viktor, Yuuri, Yakov, Lilia, even Mila, and him, Otabek. Even when I had doubts in myself, they were always there telling me that I couldn’t give up, cheering me on. Motivating me to do better, doing what was best for me, trying to help me through. They believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.

So, why haven’t I started believing in myself yet? What more do I need to get stronger?

Anja and I reach my house a few moments later, those questions still circling around in my head.

“Hey, are you sure you’ll be OK getting back by yourself? I feel like I should have walked you home.” I ask her.

She nods quickly. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine, trust me.”

I smile. “OK then, make sure you use your guns if you ever get in trouble.” I flex my arm to indicate what I mean.

She laughs loudly. “You bet I will, don’t worry about me! See you tomorrow OK?” She waves and walks away.

I watch her gratefully. I really don’t deserve her do I? Another friend, I never thought I would make one again. I go inside smiling to myself and am greeted by Piroshki. He meows as I pick him up and then head to the kitchen.

“Oh, I think he’s here.” My grandpa exclaims. Who’s he talking to?

I walk into the kitchen. My heart stops when I see who it is.

“Mom?”


	13. Beginnings pt 2

I started skating because of my mother. She was a famous skater when she was younger and was very well known around the country. When I was younger I would watch her performances sometimes, and she would show me her medals and the costumes she wore. I was fascinated, I saw how many people admired her and were inspired by her; I wanted to be just like that someday. 

But then my dad left. I was too young to really remember anything about him, but after he left she changed a lot. She became lost, didn’t understand her purpose anymore, so she quit skating and got another job. She would be working abroad, away from me, and I think that was exactly what she wanted. I guess every time she looked at me she would somehow remember the past life that she used to have. I was just a bad memory for her. 

After she left, we grew further and further apart. She became less involved in my skating career, she started to forget that I even existed more and more, it even came to the point where she forgot my birthday. That, you have no idea how much that killed me. She was the person that made me want to start skating in the first place, but in the end, she was still my mother. My father had already left, she was the one person I had, the one person I respected, trusted, and then she just abandoned me because she was in pain. Left me with grandpa, like something useless that someone else could take care of. 

And now, for some reason, she’s back. Back at possibly the worst time ever. 

“Surpriiiiseee.” She grins, giving me an enthusiastic smile. Grandpa was right, I look more like her than ever. We’re literally a spitting image of each other, especially now that my hair is longer. The only difference between us is our eyes, I think I got my green eyes from my father. I’m grateful for that though, because that’s the first thing that Otabek noticed about me. 

“Um, hi.” I reply awkwardly, glancing at grandpa who’s giving me a mischievous look. Geez, I bet he’s the one who told her to come; I wonder why she listened this time. 

Piroshki wriggles out of my arms and strides happily towards my mom. She picks him up and kisses him quickly. Before she left, she got me Piroshki as a kitten to keep me company. I hated her for doing that, it was like another excuse for her to leave. If I had the cat, if I had grandpa, I would be alright, that’s probably what she kept telling herself. Well, she was wrong. 

“Whoa, I can’t believe I almost forgot about this cute kitty,” She stands up from her seat at the table and walks towards me, she tries to hug me but I step away. 

“What are you doing here?” I ask quietly. 

A disappointed look crosses her face. “Well, I just wanted to see my son and my father, is there something wrong with that?” 

I don’t have an answer to her question. She looks different, almost happier, less stressed. So, I guess that’s what happens when I’m not in her life huh? “OK, well, I’m tired, I had a long day at the rink, so I’m going upstairs,” I turn away, but she stops me. 

“Hey, seriously, what kind of greeting is that for your mother huh? Let’s talk, c’mon, I haven’t seen you in forever Yuratchka.” She says. 

“Yeah, and who’s fault is that?” I snap. 

She sighs and puts Piroshki down onto the floor. He stays close by, sitting beside her leg. “Can we go for a walk, please? I want to talk to you.” 

“No-”

“Yuratchka.” My grandpa speaks up. 

“What? Look, I’m tired alright? I don’t feel like talking.” I grumble. 

My mom puts a hand on my shoulder. “Dad’s been saying that you’ve been really down lately, I just want to know why. I don’t ever want my Yuratchka to be sad.” 

I look down at her hand. Why? Why does she suddenly even care? 

“Please? Let’s talk OK?” She pleads, her brown eyes sparkling with hope. 

“Fine, but let’s make this quick.” I move out of her grasp and head towards the door. 

Why do I feel so afraid? Maybe, it’s because I don’t know what’s going to happen if I talk to her. 

**

We walk for a little bit without saying anything to each other. I’m too nervous to talk first, mainly because I don’t know what to say-

“So, who was he?” She asks suddenly. 

I almost choke. “Huh?” 

“You heard me,” She gives me a sly smile. “Who was the boy who stole your heart?” 

I clench my teeth, blushing hard. God, this is so embarrassing. “I-It was no one.” 

“Oh come on, I know you’re lying OK? You’re my son, I know when you’re lying and when you’re in love.” She teases. 

“Yeah, well, how could you know anything when you haven’t seen me in almost four years.” I mutter to myself. 

It falls silent. I glance at her, she’s looking up at the sky distracted. Isn’t this when she’s supposed to cheer me up, what’s wrong with her?

“I think you understand what I went through don’t you?” She speaks up after a while. 

“I don’t know…” 

“You see, when you lose the love of your life, it kind of destroys you from the inside out doesn’t it?” She asks. 

My stomach sinks and I look down at the ground. 

“I can tell that you’ve lost someone important to you Yuri, and I’m really sorry about that. After your father left, I didn’t even feel like I had a reason to keep going you know? He always told me that we would be together and that he would stay by my side and love me; and then, he just abandoned me. I fought for so long for him, then out of nowhere he just took my heart and all of my hard work like it was nothing. All for his own good.” 

What she’s telling me, it reminds me of what Otabek did to Mila...All because of me.

“I felt pathetic and stupid after he left, worthless. I didn’t even know what I was doing with my life anymore. Everything became a burden to me, you, my career; everything. All because of one man.” She sighs. 

I put my hand over my heart. Was this how Otabek felt after I told him that I couldn’t be with him? 

“I didn’t mean to leave you the way I did, but I just couldn’t handle everything after he left. I just, I needed a break you know? But, it was so selfish of me to do that to you, I was only thinking of myself and that wasn’t fair.” She looks at me. “I never wanted to leave you Yuri, I just thought I was doing the right thing for myself.” 

I stare at her. 

I never wanted to leave Otabek, I just thought I was doing the right thing for myself, no for him, no; for us. But in the end-wasn’t I just running away? Because I was too afraid to face what was to come, he kept telling me that I didn’t have to do it alone, but all I could think about was what I would have to fight against in the future. All of those little, unnecessary things that meant nothing to me compared to Otabek, I forced myself to be afraid of them.

From the beginning I doubted my faith in him and in myself. 

But it’s more than that isn’t it? I never had faith in myself, and that’s because-

“I-I was fighting for you mom, you could have leaned on me, you could have let me help you. I did everything for you, I started skating for you, because I just wanted to see you happy, I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted to be the person that was there for you when no one else was. You’re my mom, you mean so much to me, but then you just left me behind like I was nothing. For so long, I thought that I was the source of your pain, and I could never forgive myself for it. I-I thought everything was going wrong because of me.” The words that I’ve been holding back for so long come so easily out of my mouth.

I lost faith in myself because I thought that one of the most important people in my life at the time was already doubting me. My mom, she is the reason why I’m not strong. Her leaving me behind to believe that I was nothing but a problem in her life. All because of my dad who left me too. Was I not good enough for them? I was always trying my hardest, I just wanted them to be happy. 

Now I remember, the day he left. I don’t remember what he looked like, but I remember the way he looked back at me. A feeling of disappointment and hate, I could feel it being radiated onto me. I felt like I was being blamed for something. Then he just closed the door on me, I didn’t know what was going on, but I accepted it. I accepted it because I still had my mom by my side. I didn’t need anything else but her and my skating. 

Then suddenly-

“Mom, where are you going?” 

She just gave me a smile, no words, no explanation. Just a smile. Then she was gone. 

And all I had left was my skating. 

I was lost, so fucking lost for such a long time. Not even my grandpa could help me.

I just thought that if she was happy that I was skating, she’d still be happy if I got better. I just need to get better for her. I’ll fight for her. So when she comes back, she’ll be proud, I’ll make her proud of me…

Come back. 

Come back.

Where are you?

What do I do? 

Why aren’t you coming back? 

Did you forget about me?

I’m tired of fighting. 

You aren’t coming back are you?

Why am I even doing this anymore?

I’m tired, I’m so tired. 

I’m alone. 

Someone, please, anyone, help me, I’m so tired-

“Yuri Plisetsky had the unforgettable eyes of a soldier.”

What? 

Me?

“You were always alone, but when you were skating, it's like there was a fire that was ignited inside of you. That's when I realized how similar you and I were, as long as we had something to fight for, we could survive no matter what. You changed me for the better Yuri, you allowed me to open up and somehow find another purpose in my life. You gave me another reason to fight for what I Iove, because even though you were always alone, you knew why you woke up every day; you wanted to keep fighting for your passion and for your love."

Someone...Finally understands me. 

“Let me save you.” 

Thank you so much!

“I love you.” 

I love you so much too, but-

“Yuri, don’t do this to me, please, you can’t do this to me. We can get through this together, please, I know we can.”

“No, you’re not leaving me, not after all this! I’m not going to leave without you again! I-I don’t care what happens OK? Just stay with me, please!”

I didn’t. 

He needed me, just like I needed my mom. I did the same thing to him that she did to me. 

Abandoned me when I needed her the most. 

But still, I look up at her. She’s right here beside me, after all she went through, she’s here with me again. She’s trying to explain her wrongs, she’s trying to talk to me; she doesn’t hate me. 

I didn’t fight for nothing. 

She still loves me. Right?

“Yuri,” She hugs me tightly then, catching me off guard. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to put my burden on you, God, I feel so terrible, I love you so much, you have no idea. I can just imagine how hard you’ve been working, you’re such a strong person.” 

Tears well in my eyes. 

“Yuri Plisetsky had the unforgettable eyes of a soldier; and he still does.” 

God, why did I leave him? 

“T-Thank you mom.” I whisper. 

“I heard about your GPF win a few years ago, gosh, you’re amazing sweetie. I have no words to describe how proud I am of you. My Yuratchka, you’ve done so much, you’ve gone through so much, and you’re still standing. Doing what you love for who you love, that is honestly incredible.” She speaks softly. 

I cry harder. 

“That’s why I have so much faith in you right now, I know you can get through whatever is that’s bringing you down; and I’ll be right by your side to help you as well, through thick and thin.” 

“But, the worst thing that you could ever do to me; is give up on me, not have faith in me, not think that I wouldn’t fight for you and protect you against anything.”

Otabek.

Otabek, I’m so sorry. 

My mom looks at me then. “You have faith in me to do that right?” 

I nod. Yes. “I’ve always had faith in you.” 

She smiles. “Great, that means so much to me.” 

I didn’t have faith in him because I kept doubting how far we could go. All he wanted was for me to trust him, but I couldn’t do it because I didn’t trust anyone, I barely trusted myself. That’s why I pushed him away.

He understood me all along and he thought that I understood him too. And I do, I just couldn’t show him that then. 

“We’re the same.” 

He was probably so confused, he didn’t understand why I didn’t have the same amount of trust and faith in him as he did in me. I doubted him.

“Are you really doing this to me?”

“The worst thing that you could ever do to me; is give up on me, not have faith in me, not think that I wouldn’t fight for you and protect you against anything.”

I did the worst thing to him.

“It doesn’t matter what you do, I will never, ever hate you.”

I know. That’s why...

“There’s something, that I really need to do right now.” I pull away from her slowly. 

“Whoa,” She raises her eyebrows at me. “You have an interesting look in your eyes. Is it time to get back to fighting?” She chuckles, ruffling my hair playfully. 

I smile. “Thank you for this talk, it really helped me to understand a few things.” 

“No problem," She lets out a long sigh, "but you’re not getting rid of me that easily. I think, I think I’m going to move back home. I miss Russia so much, and I miss you and dad, I just need to be back here. I’m tired of running away.” 

I nod at her. 

“Yeah, so am I.” 

**

We return home a little bit later after getting some food and catching up with each other. I go up to my room and find my cell phone. I dial his number slowly. He said that he would never hate me, so I hope he doesn’t get angry at me for doing this so soon. I really, really hope-

“Hello?” 

His voice is like a breath of fresh air. It’s only been two weeks, but it feels like it’s been forever since I heard it. 

“Otabek.” 

“Yuri.” He sounds surprised. 

I grip my phone tightly. “I-I’m almost ready OK? I’m really close.” 

He chuckles softly. “God, that’s, that’s so good to hear you have no idea. Just take your time and come back to me whenever you feel it’s right OK? I’ll always be here, waiting for my soldier.” 

A lump rises in my throat. “Thank you, thank you so much. I-I have faith in you OK? I believe in you, I trust you, I love you. Thank you for everything.” 

“Oh God, stop, Geez, I promised I wasn’t going to cry today. I’m so happy right now, thank you for telling me that.” He laughs.

“I have a lot to tell you still; till then OK?” 

“Yeah, so do I-till then.” 

I close my eyes. “Good bye.” 

“Bye, I miss you already Yuri.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting close to the end! Thank you all so much for reading, I love you! <3


	14. Found

Competitions are less than a week away. I’m surprised that I’ve managed to make it this far considering all that has happened to me over the past month. But this year my mom is going to attend my first match in over five years, just for that reason I want to win this season. Then, I’ll find my way back to Otabek. 

I’ll be stronger if I can win for her, if she can see me get gold. 

“Man, it sucks that I can’t do competitions here with you all.” Anja sighs as we get ready to leave the rink. Her time in Russia is almost up, she’s going to have to go back to Canada soon. “I wish I could stay in Russia longer with you, Yuuri, and Vicky, but unfortunately not all wishes can come true...I really enjoyed my time here though.” 

“Hey, at least you can brag to your friends that you met a celebrity.” I grin. 

She slugs me lightly in the arm. “You bet I will, I’m going to make them so jealous that they’re gonna cry!” 

“OK calm down.” 

“Sorry.” She smiles bashfully. 

We burst out laughing. Man, I’m really going to miss these times with her. I never thought that I would ever make another friend, especially here in Russia. I'm really grateful for her. A few minutes later we leave the rink and decide to buy some food together. 

“I’ll treat you since you’re leaving soon.” I offer as we head towards the restaurant. 

“Aw, what a gentleman.” She smiles happily. 

“Geez, you’re so embarrassing-”

My phone vibrates suddenly in my pocket, making me jump. I pull it out quickly. It’s Viktor.

“Yeah, hello?” I answer. 

“Jesus, do you ever check your phone?” He sounds frantic.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear-what’s going on? Are you OK?” I frown. Anja glances at me. 

“You need to go to the hospital right now, I’m heading there too.”

“What? Why?” I press. 

“You seriously haven’t heard?” He asks in shock. 

“No, I-” 

“It’s Mila. Her friend just called me a few minutes ago and told me that she was in the hospital; she tried to kill herself Yuri.” 

What?

My phone slips from my hand and topples to the ground. 

W-Wait, I heard that wrong didn’t I?

That’s not true right? 

Anja puts her hand on my arm. “Yuri, are you OK? What’s going on?” 

My body starts shaking. 

“No.” I whisper. 

No.

No.

No. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

It wasn’t supposed to go like this. 

B-But-

Anja bends down quickly to pick up my phone. “I think it’s still working,” she holds it to her ear. “Hello? Vicky is that you? What the hell did you just tell Yuri right now?” Her face drains of all colour when she hears. “O-Oh my God, OK, we’ll be right there.” She hangs up and grabs my hand. 

“Yuri, I know what you’re thinking right now, but we need to go see her alright? This is serious, we can’t abandon her right now.” She says seriously. 

But it’s my fault isn’t it? She did this because of me. 

Didn’t she?

“I can’t-” 

She squeezes my hand.“Yuri, look at me, no matter what happened, you and Mila are still friends, you can’t just abandon her based on circumstances in her time of need!” She yells. 

I meet her eyes then, they look more serious than I’ve ever seen them. 

But, what does that change? 

I’m too scared. 

She hates me, why would she even want me to be near her right now? 

“Yuri. Don’t run away.” 

I blink. 

She’s right, I can’t run away from this. I need to face Mila properly. If I can face her, we can both somehow get stronger together. 

We can find a way to move passed this...

Can’t we? 

**

Anja and I arrive at the hospital a few minutes later, Viktor and Yuuri are already in the waiting room when we arrive. I see Vera and a few of our other rink mates too, they give me questioning looks, probably wondering why I’m here. 

I’m wondering the same thing too.

Anja sits down beside Viktor. “Have you guys heard anything?” 

Yuuri shakes his head. “No, not yet, it’s too early to tell.” 

I shiver. This feeling, this feeling of dread, I want it to go away. I want it to leave right now. Please. 

“Yuri, sit down OK? You look like you’re going to pass out.” Anja speaks softly. 

I obey her orders and sit down slowly. Viktor glances at me. “Don’t blame yourself for any of this OK? We’ve known for a while that Mila has had serious anxiety attacks-” 

“And yet,” I breathe shakily, “I still did this to her without acknowledging that. I-I was so caught up in myself that I forgot, that I didn’t even care. My selfishness caused this, and no one can tell me otherwise.” 

He watches me silently then looks away. 

He knows I’m right. 

Hours pass. 

Nothing. 

Just silence. 

My mind attacking itself. 

Is she dead? 

What do I do if she dies? 

I don’t deserve to be happy if she does. 

I can’t go back to Otabek like this. 

Otabek. 

Otabek, I need you.

But I can’t. 

It isn’t fair! 

Why did this have to happen! 

Will I ever be able to come back to you? 

Will I ever be able to be friends with Mila again? 

Will she ever forgive me?

How can I even forgive myself after this? 

I stand up slowly, suddenly feeling like I’m suffocating. 

“I-I need some air.” I hobble out of the waiting room and stumble outside. 

Then I just keep walking. 

And walking. 

Where am I even going? 

What am I even doing?

I thought things were getting better…

Only for me.

Things were only getting better for me. It’s always about me isn’t it? I abandoned Otabek for myself, I betrayed Mila for myself…

And all for what? Just to feel like shit in the end? 

My foot gets caught on something then, and I trip, falling hard to the ground. Tears blur my vision as I just lie there, still and blank. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I cry to myself. 

It hurts so much. It feels like I’m falling into a darkness that I can’t escape. I’m so scared. 

Everything is my fault. 

I’m alone because of me. 

No, I have Anja, Viktor...But, they’re not here right now, they can’t save me from myself. 

Only I can.

I sit up slowly. You’ve made it this far Yuri, don’t just give up now. Keep fighting, you’re a fighter aren’t you? You’re a soldier. 

Don’t give up on yourself. 

Get better, fix your wrongs, get stronger. 

You have people that believe in you, you have someone that’s waiting for you. Get up! 

I stand. 

If you want to be strong for him, you need to keep fighting. You need to overcome this. 

Now. 

“OK.” I close my eyes, breathe in. “I’ll try my best.” 

I somehow find my way back to the hospital, Anja stands when she sees me. 

“They say she’s in stable condition. I-I think she’ll be alright Yuri.” She says hopefully. 

I hug her tightly. “Thank you.” 

**

“OK, we’re allowing people in her room now. She’s awake and stable, but, be very careful with her please. She’s still very shaky.” The doctor looks at her parents, “you’re her mom and dad right? You may go in first.” 

I watch them as they’re ushered away. 

“M-Maybe I should go in alone.” I speak up afterwards. 

Anja looks at me. “Are you sure?” 

“Maybe that’s not such a good idea-” Viktor starts but I cut him off. 

“I have to.” I look at him directly in the eyes when I say this. 

Yuuri puts a hand on his shoulder. “He’ll be alright babe, don’t worry about it. He’s strong.” 

Viktor puts his hand on his. “I know, I’m just worried…” 

I exhale slowly. If I don’t face her alone, then I won’t be able to face her at all. “I’ll be fine.”

Many minutes go by, it feels like years...Then it’s my turn. Anja gives me a reassuring smile before I leave, the doctor escorts me to her room. Her parents are still there, talking to her softly. When she sees me, her face falls. 

“U-Um, mom, dad, can I get a minute alone with Yuri?” She asks weakly. Her face is pale and her eyes look tired, I've never seen her like this before. It makes me feel even worse.

They give me a wary look. “Please, I’ll be fine OK?” She presses. 

“OK, fine, if you need anything just call us.” Her mom stands and leaves, her dad following slowly. The doctor closes the door behind them. 

It goes quiet. No one moves or says anything. 

I don’t know what to say, the words aren’t coming to my mouth. 

“Do you have something to say to me?” She asks then. “I look pathetic don’t I? Weak, useless, worthless, just say it, I know you want to. I’m a fucking failure.” 

I clench my fists, what the hell is she saying? “Shut up Mila.” I say quietly. 

She glares at me. “What?” 

“I said shut up!” I shout. Why am I lashing out at her, I shouldn’t be doing this but I can’t help it. “Did you really think this was the best way out? I-I can’t believe you would do this to yourself!” 

“You, this is your fault!” She screams at me. “I did this because of you!” 

I already knew that. 

I hang my head, don’t cry again Yuri, please, just don’t cry-

“T-That’s what I keep telling myself.” She continues shakily then. “I keep telling myself I did this because of you...But that’s not true. It’s not true at all. None of this is your fault. I knew from the start what I was getting myself into, but I still tortured myself, I still put myself through so much pain to love a man that didn’t even love me. Why? Why was I doing that to myself?” She puts her hands on her face. “M-Maybe because I just wanted someone to love and hold me at night, I just wanted someone to stay by my side when I needed them the most, I just wanted someone to love me. I-I just wanted to be loved.” 

I look at her in surprise. 

“You don’t know what it feels like to feel alone, like nobody wants you. I’ve felt like that for so long, like everyone was just moving ahead and leaving me behind with nothing. I just wanted one thing, one fucking thing. A-And I had it, but I knew it wasn’t there. It was never there.” She cries. “H-He never loved me. He just left. Left me alone in my darkness, the one man that I thought could save me, he just left me to disappear.” 

“M-Mila, I’m so sorry-” 

“I’d never felt so let down before. E-Everything just hit me all at once, I couldn’t handle it, I didn’t know what to do. My pain was eating me from the inside out, killing me, tearing me apart. I couldn’t go on. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to.” She says. “I didn’t want to live anymore. Everyone was gone anyway, so why should I keep living? Why should I keep living like this? Lost, broken, afraid, unwanted. There’s no point of going on, so maybe I should just end it, there’s a knife right there...Just end it Mila, just end it.” She sobs uncontrollably.

My body moves on it’s own and I pull her towards me, hugging her tightly. She cries into my shoulder.

“It was never your fault, I-I just put my pain and anger on you because I didn’t know what else to do; I-I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Yuri.” She weeps. 

“No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I didn’t see how much pain you were in, how much you were struggling. I’m sorry that I did this to you.” I say. 

She pulls away slowly and looks at me. “You of all people, deserve to be happy. I-I want to hate Otabek, but I can’t, he’s a really good person. He reminds me so much of you. You both deserve each other.” 

“What about you?” I whisper. 

“I guess, I’ll just have to fight as hard as you’ve been fighting. I'll have to fight through my pain.” She smiles. “I want to get as strong as you are someday, and maybe then, I’ll find what I’ve been looking for; and I won’t take it for granted, ever.” 

I put my forehead against hers. “I’ll root for you OK? That’s what friends, team mates, are for. I’ll support you every step of the way, no matter what.” 

She laughs. “I’ll try my best, thank you.” 

I pull away. “Are you sure you’ll be alright?” 

“I think so, I don't know to be honest. I just need some time to get better, need to think about some things.” She sighs. “I need to stop being so angry with myself.” 

I nod slowly. “You know, I don’t think you meant absolutely nothing to Otabek. He must have stayed with you for so long for a reason. You have a way of doing that to people, they want to be by your side because they feel protected when they’re with you.” I say. “You need to stop thinking so poorly of yourself, you are a very important person to a lot of people Mila; especially me. I may not act like it, but I really appreciate you. I love you, you’re like a sister to me.” 

She starts crying again. “I love you too Yuri, thank you.” 

I smile and stand up.

“I saw the way Otabek looked at you that day at the rink,” She says suddenly. “He looked so free and happy, like a bird being set free from it’s cage. He never looked at me like that, at that moment, that’s when I knew; it was time to let him go. I wasn’t ready, but I knew that I had to. It was time.” 

I bite my lip, holding back tears. 

“Don’t ever let him go again Yuri. Whenever he comes back to you; don’t let him go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left...That's what I'm thinking.
> 
> The reunion is coming!


	15. Close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of sexual content...You've been warned!
> 
> Btw, a good song I thought for this chapter is "Close to You" by Rihanna, the lyrics don't really fit what's happening, but I love the music, search it up and take a listen if you can. And do you guys have any nice songs that would fit this chapter? Just wondering, I love your comments :) Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter! One more left! Thanks for reading!

Months go by. 

Mila is released from the hospital, but she doesn’t come back to skating. She decides to leave Russia and travel, find herself. Get better, get stronger. 

Anja leaves to go back to Canada.

“I’ll stay in touch with you OK?” She promises me before she goes. 

“OK.” 

“Don’t forget about me Yuri.” 

How could I? I found a good friend in her, something that I didn’t know I needed until now. It’s funny how the most random, unexpected things that happen in your life can impact you forever. Anja, my friend. I’ll treasure her for a very long time. 

Competitions come and go. 

I stood on the podium in the finals, silver medal hung around my neck. But this time, I wasn’t mad about losing, because in the stands, my mother and grandpa were watching me proudly. The woman that I started skating for, had finally got to see what I worked so hard to accomplish. Just by the look in her eyes, I could tell that I’d done enough. 

I had finally done enough. 

 

Shortly after finals, grandpa passes away. I held onto my mother as she cried for him. I wasn’t going to let her go or leave her in her time of need, I wasn’t going to run away, no matter how scared I was. I wish I told grandpa how much I loved and appreciated him more, since I was young he was by my side, caring for me and putting up with everything I put him through. I hope he’s happy wherever he is, I hope he’s smiling and happy with grandma. I love you grandpa. Thank you for everything. 

Viktor and Yuuri came out from their break and began skating again. I go to the rink and watch them skate together sometimes, they’re always so happy to be together. I’m glad they both have someone that they can lean, they deserve it. 

I don’t get too angry when Viktor calls me his son anymore too, mainly because I understand why he does now. It actually makes me kind of happy...Don’t tell him I said that though.

I’m nineteen now. Cut my hair too, my mom was upset about it at first but she eventually accepted it. I just wanted to have a more mature look, I wanted to look different. 

And I want Otabek to see my eyes clearly today.

I’m going to see him for the first time in over three months. 

My mom helped me to pay for my ticket to Kazakhstan, she was really happy that I was going to be reunited with Otabek. I told her everything about him soon after she moved back. She quickly accepted and wanted to meet him immediately.

“Go get your love sweetie!” She chanted as I was packing to leave. 

I’m so thankful for her. 

I decided a while back that I wanted to see Otabek’s home country of Almaty in Kazakhstan, the place that he was always fighting so hard to win for back then. It’s really spectacular here. As I walked off of the plane, I could see the landscape of buildings and mountains, the mix of beauty and industrialisation. It reminds me a lot of how Otabek is, tough, but sensitive too. 

I head into the airport. He said he’d be waiting for me there, but it’s kind of crowded, I can’t see him anywhere. I decide to sit down in the waiting area and take out my phone to call him. 

“Hey,” He says when he picks up.

“Hey, where are you? You said you’d be here,” I say nervously, feeling totally out of place here. 

“I’m right behind you.” 

I turn around and see him smiling at me from across the room. Was he watching me this whole time! I stand up quickly as he makes his way towards me. His hair grew a bit longer, it looks nice. 

“Hey soldier.” He says softly when he reaches me. 

“Hi.” I mumble awkwardly, looking down at the floor. Geez, why am I so nervous right now? Maybe it’s because-

He takes off my baseball cap then. 

“Hey!” I blush, grabbing it back from him. I was feeling a bit self conscious about my hair before I got on the flight, so I bought a hat to hide it. I guess that didn’t stop him from being curious though. 

“You cut you hair,” He says distractedly, studying it. 

“Yeah, so?” I start to put the cap back on, but he stops me, putting his hand on mine. 

“Why’re you hiding it? It looks nice, makes your eyes stand out more.” He takes the hat carefully and puts it on top of his head instead. “Don’t be so embarrassed, you look great.”

I smile to myself. “OK, thanks.” 

He takes one of my suitcases. “Are you ready to go?” 

I nod. “Yeah.” 

We leave the airport and drive quietly. I look in awe out the window at my surroundings as we go down the road, the sun is setting above the mountains. Everything is starting to become dark except for the lights coming from the buildings and structures across the area. Twilight looks truly beautiful and serene here. 

I glance back at Otabek, he’s watching me with a small smile on his face. 

“Focus on the road before you kill us.” I tuck my knees to my chest, feeling embarrassed and shy all of a sudden. 

He bursts out laughing. “Holy shit, OK, sorry.” 

I laugh too. 

This feels really good. 

I missed being with him. 

When we reach his house, I’m finding it hard to stay awake, the flight was long, and I haven’t been on a plane in a while. 

“Yuri.” Otabek whispers when he stops the car. 

“Huh?” I ask groggily, blinking my eyes tiredly. 

He chuckles and kisses me softly on the cheek.”C’mon, let’s go inside.” 

I take off my seatbelt and climb out slowly. His house is big, it looks comforting. I get my suitcase and follow him inside, he leads me to a bedroom on the bottom floor. I look around, it’s nice, but-

“Will you be sleeping in here too?” I ask him when he comes back with the rest of my things. 

His face turns red. “Ah, um, no, I-I didn’t think you would want that yet.” 

“Oh,” I sit down on the bed, feeling a bit disappointed. 

He stares at me. “I mean, if you want, you could stay in my bedroom upstairs. I-I don’t have a problem with that.” 

I lie back on the bed and close my eyes. “No, it’s fine, I don’t want to cause any trouble for you. I’ll just stay here.” 

He sits down beside me and sighs. “Don’t be mad OK? We haven’t seen each other in a while, I just didn’t know-” 

I sit up and wrap my arms around his neck, putting my head on his shoulder. “It’s OK, I’m not mad.” I whisper. 

He turns towards me and kisses me softly, my body melts at the taste of his lips. He pulls away after a while. “Are you hungry?” 

I shake my head. “Can we just lie together for a little bit?” 

“OK.”

We lie down carefully, our legs and arms wrapped tightly around each other. I close my eyes, feeling my heart pounding loudly in my ears. There’s so much I want to tell him right now, but I feel like I don’t even need to say the words. The way he’s holding onto me, I feel like he already accepts everything that I have to say. 

I open my eyes and look at him, he’s watching me carefully. 

“I missed you so much.” He speaks softly. 

I move closer to him. “Me too.”

“God, you don’t even know how much I’m holding back right now. I haven’t been this close to you in three months, I want to touch you so badly.” 

I kiss him slowly. “So why don’t you?” I ask against his lips. 

He pushes me down suddenly. “I’m afraid, I’ll do something I’ll regret, I might hurt you.” He kisses my neck. 

“It’s OK,” I slide my hands underneath his shirt and run my fingers along his back and stomach. “I trust you.”

He slips my shirt off and kisses my body delicately, taking me in. His hands travel down to my pants and he takes them off slowly. I close my eyes as he touches me carefully, there’s so much urgency, like he’s been wanting to do this forever. It feels good, I’ve never felt something like this before. 

“Mm,” I moan as he rubs deeper, I feel his lips then and I arch my back, the intense feeling overcoming my body abruptly. “O-Otabek,” I shiver as he goes deeper, he turns me onto my back suddenly, kissing down my spine.

“Tell me if it hurts,” He whispers to me, I grip the sheets as he enters me slowly. It’s painful at first, but I get used to it, it feels better than before. He grips my waist at he thrusts smoothly, I close my eyes, biting down on my lip hard.

“Fuck,” He says softly as he pushes harder. His hold around me turns tighter and he puts his head in the crook of neck, kissing it softly. “Does it feel good?” 

I nod, trembling softly as I feel him move deeper. His thrusts become sloppier and his body trembles against mine. “God, I love you.” He moans against my back.

I start crying and he turns me back quickly towards him, kissing me carefully on the lips. “Don’t cry, did I do something wrong, did I hurt you?” He says worriedly. 

I shake my head. “N-No, I just, I’m really happy right now. It feels really good, thank you.” 

He kisses me again. “God, you’re so beautiful.”

Usually I would get angry if someone said that to me, but hearing it from him makes me feel good somehow. I love him too much. I could never be upset at him. I kiss him now, taking in all of him, I just want to feel him. We’ve been so far away from each other for so long, I want him all to myself, I want him to know how much he means to me. I don’t want to say it through words, I want to show him through my actions. I want him to feel as good as I do in this moment. 

After we’re done, night completely engulfs us and we lay together underneath our covers, hiding from the world, breathing in each other’s air, talking quietly. He runs his hand through my hair, I hold the other against my cheek, eyes closed, enjoying this deep comfort.

“You know the place I showed you a while back, where I said I wanted to marry Mila?” He asks then. 

I kiss his palm. “Mhm,”

“I was actually thinking about you when I went there.” 

I freeze. 

“Everything about that place reminded me of you. How the flowers bloomed in the cold, fighting to stay alive, something so rare and beautiful; just like you. I never even once thought about marrying Mila there, I only said that as an excuse. I just really wanted to see your reaction when I showed you.” He runs his fingers along my arm. “And then you started crying, that broke me down right there. You loved it just like I thought you would.

But, I-I don’t know why I kept pushing you away, hiding, let you distance yourself from me, even after that I was still afraid. Even after that moment, when I knew that it was you who I wanted to marry there...I still used Mila as an excuse, as a way out of my actions.” 

My heart beats fast as he turns away from me and takes something out from the pocket of his coat. “Well, now it’s just you and I. She’s no longer here, I’m not hiding behind her anymore, I’m not afraid, I’m not going to run away. I’m right here in front of you, exposed, sincere, honest,” he opens a small black box then, a diamond ring is placed in its middle, sparkling brightly. “You are the one that I’ve always wanted to be with. You are the one that I have always been in love with. That’s why I’m asking you this. It doesn’t matter when, where, or how, but someday Yuri Plisetsky; will you marry me? It could be next year, twenty years from now, tomorrow, it could be any day, any time, I don’t care. But one day Yuri; will you finally be mine?” 

“O-Otabek.” I put my hands over my mouth, tears falling uncontrollably from my eyes. “Y-Yes, yes.” I whisper. “I was always yours, yes.”

He starts crying as he takes my hand carefully and slips the ring on my finger. “T-Thank you so much Yuri, you don't know how much this means to me. I love you so much.”

I sob. “I love you too Otabek.”

We hug each other tightly. 

“Let’s spend the rest of our lives together.”


	16. End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER! 
> 
> I just wanted to thank you all so much for reading, commenting, and liking this story, it means the world to me that you stuck with this until the very end <3 You are all such wonderful, amazing people, THANK YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU!

“Oh my god Yuri, you look amazing!” Anja squeals as I spin around to show her my suit. Today is the day of the wedding, we’re in my house right now doing one last fitting before we go to the church. I’ve been a nervous wreck since this morning. I can’t help thinking that something’s going to go horribly wrong before the wedding even starts. 

“I-I don’t know, looking at it now, maybe the suit is too blue?” I bite my lip nervously as I look in the mirror. The suit is a light blue with a white bow tie, it accentuates my eyes a lot which I guess is OK, but I’m still not sure if it looks good enough. 

“You look fine Yuratchka.” My mom walks over to me and puts a flower crown of blue and white roses onto my head.

“Wow, you look so pretty, like an ice prince!” Anja cooes. 

I touch the crown and cock my head at myself. “Do you think Otabek will like it though?” 

My mom hugs me from behind, putting her chin on my shoulder. “I think Otabek will love it, you could show up in a paper bag and he’d still think you look nice.” She says. 

We all burst out laughing knowing how true that is. 

Someone knocks on the door then, I turn around, it’s Viktor and Yuuri. 

“Oh my god, look at my son he’s so beautiful!” Viktor claps happily. 

Yuuri smiles. “You look really nice Yuri.” 

I blush. “Thanks guys.”

“I can’t believe that you’re getting married today, it’s just, it’s seems so unbelievable. You were once such an angsty young teenager and now you’ve blossomed into a beautiful, mature young man.” Viktor sniffs. “I’m getting emotional just thinking about how much you’ve grown.” He fans himself. 

“Hey, this isn’t your wedding, stop getting so emotional.” Yuuri snaps. 

Viktor attacks him with a hug. “I wish I could get married to you all over again!” 

“Geez, get off of me you’re so embarrassing!” He laughs. I smile at their banter, Piroshki wanders in then. 

“Hey, shouldn’t we dress up the cat too?” Anja suggests. 

My mom picks up a bow tie from the table and ties it loosely around his neck. He mews happily. 

“Awww,” We all say in unison. 

“Alright, are you almost ready to go Yuri? I think the limo will be here soon.” My mom asks as she ties a blue rose into her hair.

“Yeah, but, can I just get a minute alone for a bit?” I ask carefully. 

She nods, “of course, let’s go you guys, we still have some last minute things to do too.” 

“OK.” Anja gives me a quick hug before leaving. Viktor winks at me as he closes the door behind them. 

I’m left standing alone in my room, staring blankly at myself in the mirror. I can’t believe I’m getting married to him today, this doesn’t even feel real. I put my hand over my heart, it’s beating really fast. I’m excited, but scared too. After everything that has happened, I’m finally going to be with him. I’m finally going to stay with him for a long time. 

I smile and look up at the ceiling. “Hey grandpa, are you happy for me? I hope you’re watching over me today; I miss you.” I whisper. 

My phone rings suddenly then and I pick it up quickly. 

“Hello?” I ask as I adjust my bow tie. 

“Hey, soldier.” He replies. 

My heart stops. “Otabek? Why are you calling me right now, isn’t that bad luck!” 

“No, it’s only bad luck if I see you before the wedding.” He laughs. 

“Oh, right. Stop laughing at me.” I mutter. 

“Sorry for calling you so randomly by the way, I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you a lot.” 

“We’re literally going to see each other in half an hour.” I state flatly. 

“Hey, don’t judge me! I can’t get enough of you OK?” He pouts. 

I giggle. “Same goes for me babe.” 

“I love it when you call me that.” He says softly. “I can’t wait to undress you tonight.” 

I feel my face turn red. “Can you stop? Geez, let’s at least get married first before you say stuff like that!”

He laughs loudly. “Sorry, sorry, I just love teasing you sometimes.”

“Yeah, yeah...Anyway, I’ll see you in a bit OK? I love you.” I smile to myself. 

“I love you too, see you soon husband.” 

“We’re not married yet Otabek.” 

“Whatever, I still wanna practice saying it.”

I bite my lip. “OK, bye husband.” 

“Damn, that really turns me on when you say that.” He sighs dramatically. 

“Geez, bye.” I hang up, blushing. 

Husband huh?

I really, really like the sound of that.

I take one last look at myself in the mirror before leaving. My eyes are no longer dull and unblinking, but full of life and light. 

I take in a deep breath. “OK, I’m ready!” 

Let's go. 

**

The garden is even more beautiful in summer than it is in the winter, the flowers are in full bloom and colour, and everything looks radiant, bright, and beautiful. Especially Otabek. He’s wearing a black suit with a red rose perched in its pocket. It makes him look really professional and handsome. I can’t believe I’m marrying someone as cool as him. 

I smile happily as I’m escorted down the aisle. He’s watching me with wide eyes from the altar, blushing slightly. When I stand in front of him, he takes my hands slowly, rubbing my knuckles lightly with his thumbs. 

“You look so beautiful.” He smiles softly. 

“Thanks, you look really handsome too.” I grin back.

The pastor clears his throat. "OK, let's get started shall we?" 

We state our vows to each other:

“Today into tomorrow, next day into next month, next month into next year, I will stay with you, I will accept you, I will love you. Through wars, through monsters, and through this world, I will stay by your side and never let you go. Together, we will make it through, together we will find our way out of our darkness and into our the light. As one, as a whole, with you. I’ll love you forever and always.” 

The pastor smiles. “Do you Otabek Altin take Yuri Plisetsky to be your lawfully wedded husband?” 

He looks directly at me. “I do.” 

“Do you Yuri Plisetsky take Otabek Altin to be your lawfully wedded husband?” 

I begin to tear up, this is really happening, finally, after all this time. He’s mine. “I do.” I smile at him. 

“You may now kiss the groom.” 

Otabek moves in first and kisses me passionately. I close my eyes, sparks exploding in my chest. He pulls away, wiping the tears that fall down my cheek softly. “I love you.” 

I cry. “I love you.” 

Everyone begins cheering and clapping as we walk down from the altar. Otabek grips my hand tightly suddenly, I look up at him and notice he’s staring ahead at something. I follow his gaze and see Mila at the back of the garden, watching us with a small smile on her face. 

She looks so different, her hair is cut really short and her eyes, there’s a new look in her eyes. It looks like redemption. 

“Mila.” I embrace her tightly. 

“Hey Yuri, congratulations, I’m so happy for both of you.” She says.

I pull away and look back at Otabek, he’s watching her warily. She smiles at him. “Hey, why’re you acting like such a stranger?” 

He drops his head. “Sorry-” 

“No, none of that OK? This isn’t the time to be sorry, you should be happy right now. I just came to congratulate you, that’s all.” She cuts in. 

Otabek nods slowly. 

Mila puts her hand on my shoulder. “You better take care of each other OK? I’m really happy for you both.” 

I smile. “I will, thank you Mila.” 

Otabek takes my hand. “I’ll take care of him forever, you won’t have to worry.” 

Tears gather in Mila’s eyes. “You better, Otabek, you better. Don’t ever leave his side.” 

**

Otabek and I leave later on, but not without more hugs and tears from our families and friends. When we finally escape, we climb into a limo and drive away from the church. Otabek puts his head on my shoulder and closes his eyes tiredly. 

“Wow, that was crazy.” He mumbles. 

“Yeah, it was, but I’m glad that we’re finally married.” I whisper. 

He leans forward and kisses my forehead softly. “Yeah, me too.” 

We arrive at the hotel later and collapse into the bed together. Otabek wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him, looking deep into my eyes. 

“You know, I still haven’t told you why you’re so important to me.” He says. 

I smile at him. “OK, tell me now then.” 

He puts his thumb on my lip, brushing it softly. “Because, from the first day that I met you, I knew that somehow, some way, I would want to be with you for the rest of my life.” 

I kiss his fingers lightly. “You know, it’s funny," I say, "I was actually thinking the same thing too. From day one, I knew I was in love with you and that I wanted to stay with you forever. You saved my life, you understood me, accepted me, went out of your way for me, when no one else would. You are truly my hero.” 

“God,” He kisses me hard. “I love you Yuri Plisetsky.”

“I love you Otabek Altin.” I kiss him back. 

“Thank you for everything." 

 

 

Five years later: 

"Anja, look." Otabek perches our adopted daughter onto his shoulders to give her a better view of the area. "This is where your father and I got married a few years ago, beautiful right? Just like him." He looks down at me with a smile, I blush. Even though I've been with him all this time, I still get flattered when he compliments me. 

"This place is amazing!" Anja replies in awe. "I want to get married here someday too daddy!" 

"You can," I ruffle her hair, "just make sure that whoever you marry is as heroic as your dad." 

"And," Otabek sets her down, "as strong as your other dad." 

Anja grins. "OK, I will!" 

We sit down on a bench and watch her play happily. I rest my head on his shoulder, smiling softly. "This, I wouldn't trade this for anything." I whisper.

He leans his head on mine. "Yeah, me either." 

**

Keep the people that love you close, never let them go, never take them for granted. No matter what you may go through, no matter what may separate you, no matter what may stand in your way, fight for what you want and for who you love. Never give up on them and never lose faith in yourself. 

Because of all the monsters and men in this world, they are the ones who will stay by your side and protect you. They are the ones who will fight for you through your darkness and through their pain, no matter what.

Trust in them, believe in yourself. 

Love them, love you. 

Until the very, very end.


End file.
